By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
The line between online and real life has blurred to the point of invisibility for many of us. Our phones wake us up, distract us at work, entertain us in our downtime and keep us company in bed. Most of us pick them up far more often than we realise, and many of us could not say how many times we reached for the phone today. We have stopped noticing how much we reach for these devices, and what it might be costing us.
As a therapist, I see how phone and social media habits shape not just individual wellbeing but the health of relationships too. This article looks at how being always online can affect your mood, your sleep and your closeness with a partner, and at what you can do to build a more intentional relationship with your digital life. It is not an argument for throwing your phone in the sea. It is an invitation to notice, and to choose.
The Mental Toll of Always Being Connected
Many apps are built to hold our attention. Endless feeds, notifications, streaks and likes make it easy to keep coming back. In my experience many people describe a pull to check, an irritability when they cannot get to their phone, and a flat feeling when they put it down. That matters whatever label we give it. It is often a sign that the habit has started to run you, and not the other way round, and that is a very human place to land.
On mood and anxiety, the research is calmer than the headlines. A meta analysis of 61 studies with nearly 20,000 participants found that the average link between time spent on social networking sites and psychological wellbeing was small. The links with self esteem and life satisfaction were close to zero, and those with depression and loneliness were weak (Huang, 2017). So the amount of time you spend online does not, on average, tell us very much about how you feel.
Averages can hide a lot, though. Some people feel much worse after scrolling and some feel better, and the difference often lies in how they use it. Many clients tell me that scrolling through other people's highlights leaves them feeling that their own life does not measure up. Others say a group chat or an online community is the one place they feel understood, which is often true for LGBTQ+ people, for people in non monogamous relationships and for anyone whose daily life offers little reflection of who they are. The useful question is not whether social media is good or bad. It is what it does for you, and what it takes away.
Here are a few signs that your use may be costing you more than it gives.
You feel worse about yourself, your body or your relationship after scrolling.
You reach for your phone to avoid a feeling, and not because you want to see anything in particular.
You lose time you meant to spend on sleep, exercise, friends or your partner.
You feel anxious or restless when you cannot check.
If you recognise several of these, a change in how you use your phone is likely to help, and it is worth being kind to yourself while you make it.
Sleep is where the evidence is most direct. In a randomised crossover study, 12 healthy young adults spent five evenings reading for about four hours before bed on a light emitting tablet and five evenings reading a printed book. When they read on the tablet, they took nearly ten minutes longer to fall asleep, produced less melatonin, had a later body clock and less REM sleep, and felt sleepier the next morning, even though their total sleep time was the same (Chang, Aeschbach, Duffy and Czeisler, 2015). It was a small study, but it fits what people tell me, which is that a late scroll delays sleep and leaves them flat the next day. It is not only the light. Reading the news or replying to messages before bed keeps the mind switched on, and a mind that is switched on does not drop off easily.
How Devices Impact Our Relationships
As a therapist working with individuals and couples at Rise and Grow Therapy in London, I see how phone habits can wear away at connection, often without either person intending it.
Researchers use the word technoference for technology interrupting communication between people who are physically together. In two studies of 182 and 239 couples, greater technoference was related to greater conflict over technology use, and that conflict predicted lower relationship satisfaction (McDaniel, Galovan, Cravens and Drouin, 2018). The finding to hold on to is that the fight about the phone does as much harm as the phone itself. Couples who can talk about it calmly are in a better position than couples who say nothing and keep score in private.
In my experience, clients often describe feeling second best to a partner's phone. What hurts is less the minutes lost than what the phone seems to say about where they stand. The person doing the scrolling is often not choosing the phone over their partner. They are tired, or stressed, or seeking a moment of relief. But the partner who is waiting reads it as a message, and that can lead to resentment and to the kind of loneliness inside a relationship that I describe in this article.
Even a phone that is simply on the table can change the feel of a conversation. Many couples notice that talking is easier, and more tender, when the phones are out of sight. Being physically together is not the same as being emotionally available. When attention is repeatedly broken up by notifications, the capacity to listen and respond to each other wears down gradually. Couples find themselves talking less and misunderstanding more, often without being able to say when it started.
When you are the one who scrolls, it can help to ask what the phone is giving you at that moment. For some people it is relief from a long day. For others it is a way to avoid a difficult conversation, a lonely evening or a feeling they would rather not meet. Neither is a character flaw. Knowing which one it is lets you choose something that meets the need, such as a walk, a call to a friend or ten minutes of silence on the sofa.
When you are the one waiting, try to say what you feel and what you would like, instead of what your partner is doing wrong. "I miss you in the evenings and I would love us to have the first half hour of the night without screens" lands very differently from "you are always on that thing". Most people can hear the first. Few can hear the second without defending themselves.
This applies in every kind of partnership. Same sex couples, long distance couples and people in consensually non monogamous relationships often rely on messaging to stay close, which makes it more important to agree what feels warm and what feels like absence. If you are managing more than one relationship, a shared understanding of when messages are welcome and when they can wait can prevent a great deal of hurt.
Small changes tend to work better than dramatic ones. A single phone free meal each week, or one evening where the phones stay in another room, can show you both what you have been missing. Many couples are moved to find how much they still enjoy each other's company once the screens are out of the way, and how quickly the old ease comes back when they make a little room for it.
Phones and social media have also introduced new stressors around trust and boundaries, such as checking each other's messages, uncertainty about messaging exes, and disagreements over privacy. These are rarely petty. They tend to touch deeper feelings about trust, autonomy and respect, and the article on emotional affairs looks at how online contact can cross a line for a couple. Therapy is a place to unpack the feelings underneath the behaviour.
Our connection with our devices needs boundaries, awareness, and care
Building a Healthier Relationship with Technology
I am not here to demonise phones. They connect us, entertain us and support our work and wellbeing. Like any relationship, our connection with our devices needs boundaries, awareness and care. These are strategies I often suggest to clients, and they come from my clinical experience.
It also helps to be kind to yourself about this. Many apps are built to be hard to put down, so struggling to look away is not a personal failing. Change tends to stick when it is gentle and specific, and when you have someone alongside you.
Start by noticing your patterns, without judgment. Most of us underestimate how often we pick up our phones, so it helps to look at the actual figures. Check your phone's settings for usage reports. Which apps do you open without thinking, and at what times of day are you most likely to scroll? Try not to shame yourself. Get curious about what you are reaching for your phone to feel, or to avoid.
Create device free zones and times. You might choose the bedroom or the dinner table, or the first hour after waking. Couples can try a basket by the door to put phones in during meals or evenings together. It is not about restriction. It is about making space for presence.
Reclaim the bedtime routine. Replace late scrolling with something soothing, such as a book, a podcast or a few minutes of quiet, and if possible charge your phone outside the bedroom. Many clients find that this one change helps them fall asleep sooner and wake up less flat. Treat it as an experiment and see how you feel after a week or two.
A short evening reset can make the first step easier to try.
Choose a time, such as an hour before bed, when the phone goes on charge outside the bedroom.
Put something you enjoy within reach, such as a book, a notebook, music or a warm drink.
Tell your partner what you are trying, and invite them to join you if they would like to.
Expect the first few evenings to feel a little restless. That usually eases.
Notice how you feel in the morning, and adjust to suit you.
Use your phone's own tools to help. Most phones include app time limits and focus settings, and setting a firm limit for a few weeks is a simple way to find out how much your use is serving you. If you would rather remove an app from your phone and use it only on a computer, that is a valid way to put some friction between you and the habit.
Have a social media strategy. If you want to keep using social media, that is completely valid. Be intentional about it. Curate your feed so it prioritises what inspires, informs or uplifts you, and mute or unfollow accounts that leave you feeling worse. Ask yourself why you are opening an app right now and what you hope to get from it.
Talk to your partner about digital boundaries. If phones are a source of tension, do not avoid the topic. Since conflict over technology was what predicted lower satisfaction in the couples study, naming it calmly and early may matter more than any particular rule. You could talk about what each of you needs in terms of connection and disconnection, and agree on phone free meals or on boundaries around social media. Start with how it feels when the phone comes out, and not with an accusation about how often it does.
Therapy Can Help You Reconnect With Yourself and Each Other
In my practice I often help clients explore their relationship with technology as part of a wider picture of emotional health, not as a stand alone issue. Are you feeling anxious, overstimulated or disconnected? Are you numbing discomfort with distraction? Is your phone a way to soothe or a way to avoid?
In couples therapy we look at how technology intersects with deeper dynamics such as intimacy, power, avoidance and validation. A phone habit can be the symptom, and underneath it there may be an unmet need for attention, reassurance, escape or control.
Many people are surprised by how much lighter they feel once they stop trying to manage this alone. Therapy offers a space to slow down, notice these patterns without blame, and try new ways of being present with yourself, your partner and your life.
Choosing Connection Over Convenience
Phones are not the enemy. The average link between social media time and mental health is small, and the effects vary a great deal between people. In my experience what matters most is how the time leaves you feeling and what it displaces. Your attention is precious, and it deserves to be directed consciously.
You are allowed to set boundaries with your phone. You are allowed to log off. You are allowed to choose depth over distraction. If that feels difficult, therapy can help.
If you are noticing that phone or social media use is affecting your mood, your sleep or your relationships, you are not alone, and you do not have to work it out by yourself. Organise a free consultation and let's talk about how we can help you reconnect, on your terms.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, and the founder of Rise and Grow Therapy, a private practice offering couples and relationship therapy across Kensington, Pimlico, and Angel, Islington in London, as well as online consultations. His approach draws first on Imago Relationship Therapy, alongside integrative relational, attachment based, Gottman, and systemic approaches. Mark works with couples of all kinds, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in non traditional relationship structures such as consensual non monogamy, as well as with individuals working through relational issues.
References
Chang, A. M., Aeschbach, D., Duffy, J. F., & Czeisler, C. A. (2015). Evening use of light emitting eReaders negatively affects sleep, circadian timing, and next morning alertness. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 112(4), 1232 to 1237. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1418490112
Huang, C. (2017). Time spent on social network sites and psychological well being: A meta analysis. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 20(6), 346 to 354. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2016.0758
McDaniel, B. T., Galovan, A. M., Cravens, J. D., & Drouin, M. (2018). "Technoference" and implications for mothers' and fathers' couple and coparenting relationship quality. Computers in Human Behavior, 80, 303 to 313. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2017.11.019
