The Healing Power of Tears: Crying, Mental Health, and Nervous System Regulation

In a world that often glorifies stoicism and emotional restraint, particularly among men, crying is frequently misunderstood, dismissed, or even stigmatised. Yet crying is a powerful and deeply human act, intricately tied to our mental health, emotional resilience, and the regulation of our nervous systems. Despite cultural discomfort around tears—especially adult tears—research and therapeutic insight affirm that crying is not only natural but profoundly healing.

The Biology of Crying and Nervous System Regulation

 Crying is far more than an emotional expression; it is also a somatic experience that engages the nervous system. The autonomic nervous system (ANS), which governs our fight, flight, freeze, and rest responses, is directly involved when we cry. Emotional tears—distinct from reflexive tears caused by irritants—often occur when the parasympathetic branch of the ANS (responsible for calming the body) begins to take over after a period of stress or sympathetic arousal (Rottenberg, Bylsma & Vingerhoets, 2008).

This shift is why many people feel a sense of release or relief after crying. The body uses tears as a means of discharging built-up emotional and physiological tension. Crying can help reduce heart rate, lower blood pressure, and promote a state of calm and self-soothing (Gračanin, Bylsma & Vingerhoets, 2014). In therapy, clients often reach emotional breakthroughs that are accompanied by tears—an indication that deeper layers of the nervous system are being accessed and regulated.

 From a polyvagal perspective, developed by Stephen Porges, crying may reflect a shift in the vagal state—from dorsal vagal shutdown (numbness, freeze) to a more mobilised or socially engaged state. When clients cry in the presence of a compassionate other, it can promote co-regulation: the process by which our nervous systems are calmed and stabilised in safe, connected relationships (Porges, 2011).

Crying as Emotional Processing

Emotional expression, including crying, is essential for healthy psychological processing. When emotions are suppressed or unexpressed, they don’t simply disappear—they are stored in the body and can manifest as tension, anxiety, depression, or psychosomatic symptoms (Van der Kolk, 2014). Crying allows the psyche to metabolise emotional pain, grief, joy, or overwhelm, transforming it into something manageable and integrated.

In therapy, encouraging tears is not about evoking suffering, but rather about allowing what is already there to be felt and witnessed. Tears can surface in moments of profound grief or sadness, but they also arise in states of relief, compassion, or self-realisation. They mark a shift—from avoidance to acceptance, from holding in to letting go.

Gender, Socialisation, and the Inhibition of Tears

While crying is universal, our attitudes toward it are anything but. Cultural norms heavily influence how we perceive and express emotion, particularly when it comes to gender. From early childhood, boys and girls receive different messages about the acceptability of crying.

Boys are often taught, implicitly or explicitly, that crying is a sign of weakness or failure. Phrases like “man up,” “boys don’t cry,” or “be strong” serve to shame vulnerability and promote emotional suppression. By adolescence, many boys have internalised the belief that emotional expression, especially through tears, is not compatible with masculinity (Levant et al., 2003). This emotional stoicism becomes a psychological straightjacket, contributing to higher rates of alexithymia (difficulty identifying and expressing emotions) among men (Levant, Hall, & Rankin, 2013).

Girls, on the other hand, are typically allowed more emotional expressiveness, though their tears may be dismissed as over-sensitivity or dramatics. While women may cry more openly, their tears are often trivialised or pathologised, especially in professional or public settings. In both cases, crying is misunderstood—either as weakness in men or as emotional excess in women.

These gendered expectations have long-term implications. Men, discouraged from crying or accessing their emotional worlds, are more likely to internalise distress, which can manifest as anger, addiction, or depression. This repression of emotion is linked to lower emotional intelligence and poorer mental health outcomes (Mahalik et al., 2003). Women, though often more emotionally fluent, may still struggle with shame or embarrassment around their tears due to societal messaging about control and composure.

Crying is one of the ways we regulate our emotions and nervous systems

Therapeutic Implications and the Role of the Therapist

For therapists, normalising and validating crying is crucial. In the therapy room, tears can be a gateway into deeper emotional truths and unmet needs. When a client begins to cry, the role of the therapist is not to fix or stop it, but to create a container of safety where the tears can be fully experienced.

Therapists often witness clients apologising for crying or trying to hold back tears. This reaction is itself evidence of internalised shame and cultural conditioning. Such moments are not only emotionally significant—they also support nervous system regulation through co-regulation, validation, and attunement.

Creating a therapeutic space where all emotions are honoured, including sadness and vulnerability, helps clients rewrite their internal scripts. Over time, clients who once felt ashamed of crying may come to see it as a source of power and authenticity.

Crying as Connection and Catharsis

Beyond individual regulation, crying also serves a powerful social function. It is a non-verbal cue that signals vulnerability and a need for support. Tears can elicit empathy, compassion, and care from others. This relational aspect of crying is especially important for humans, who are wired for connection and whose nervous systems thrive in attuned, safe relationships (Siegel, 2010).

 However, in a culture that often avoids emotional discomfort, the impulse to soothe or silence crying can be counterproductive. Well-meaning phrases like “Don’t cry” or “You’ll be okay” may unintentionally cut off the emotional process. What we often need most in moments of tears is not reassurance or advice, but presence and acceptance.

 In communal settings, crying can also be cathartic. Rituals of mourning, collective grieving, or shared moments of joy often involve tears. These experiences not only validate our emotions but reinforce our interconnectedness.

Crying can be a way to build connection

Moving Toward Emotional Integration

To reclaim crying as a healthy, even vital, human function is to push back against centuries of emotional repression and gendered stigma. Whether in therapy or in life, tears are not a problem to solve—they are a language of the soul, a physiological reset, and a relational bridge.

Encouraging healthy emotional expression, including crying, contributes to more integrated and emotionally intelligent individuals. It supports the regulation of the nervous system, the processing of emotional pain, and the deepening of self-awareness. For men, this might mean unlearning the idea that vulnerability equals weakness. For women, it might involve reclaiming their emotional truth as strength, not shame.

The message is clear: to cry is to heal.

References

Gračanin, A., Bylsma, L. M., & Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2014). Is crying a self-soothing behavior? Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 502. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00502

Levant, R. F., Hall, R. J., & Rankin, T. J. (2013). Male alexithymia: A critical review and reformulation. Journal of Men’s Studies, 21(2), 111–130. https://doi.org/10.3149/jms.2102.111

Levant, R. F., Richmond, K., Cook, S., House, A., & Aupont, M. (2003). The Male Role: An Investigation of Contemporary Norms. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 25(3), 224–238.

Mahalik, J. R., Burns, S. M., & Syzdek, M. (2003). Masculinity and perceived normative health behaviors as predictors of men’s health behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201–2209. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0277-9536(02)00403-4

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Rottenberg, J., Bylsma, L. M., & Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2008). Is crying beneficial? Current Directions in Psychological Science, 17(6), 400–404. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8721.2008.00614.x

Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.