By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
Anxiety is often described as a problem of the mind, a habit of worrying thoughts that ought to be talked or reasoned away. Anyone who has lived with it knows it is far more physical than that. The heart pounds, the stomach tightens, sleep goes, and the body seems to be bracing for something that has not happened. In my experience, one of the most helpful things a person can learn is that their body is not malfunctioning. It is trying to keep them safe, and it will often settle once it believes that safety is real. This article looks at how feeling safe, in your body, your surroundings and your relationships, shapes anxiety, and at what tends to help.
Anxiety Is a Whole Body Experience
When the brain senses danger, the body prepares to meet it. Heart rate rises, breathing becomes quicker and shallower, muscles tighten and digestion slows. This is the familiar fight or flight response, and it is useful when the danger is real. A car swerves towards you, and the body acts before you have time to think.
For someone with anxiety, that same alarm goes off when the danger is a meeting, a message left unanswered, a crowded train or a thought about the future. The body cannot easily tell the difference between a feared event and a physical threat, so it responds in the same way. Many people then feel anxious about being anxious, which keeps the alarm ringing. If this is familiar, it may help to know that the sensations are unpleasant but not dangerous, and that they pass.
Most of the people I see describe their anxiety first in the body. A tight chest, a churning stomach, a restless need to move or a feeling of being slightly outside themselves. Starting there, with the body, is often kinder and more effective than starting with an argument about whether the worry is justified.
Why Feeling Safe Matters
Safety is a basic human need, and when it is missing the body stays alert. That can mean the obvious things, such as living somewhere unsafe, being around someone who frightens you or going through a frightening event. It can also mean quieter things. A home that is always noisy or chaotic, work that never lets you switch off, money worries, ongoing conflict with a partner or family member, or simply never feeling you can fully relax.
In my experience people often underestimate how much of their anxiety is a reasonable response to a situation that does not feel safe or predictable. When the situation changes, or when they start to feel supported in it, the anxiety often eases without anyone having tried to fix it directly. That is not true for everyone, and some people feel anxious in lives that look calm and settled from the outside. Even then, it is worth asking where in your day your body gets to feel at ease, and where it does not.
Early Experience and the Body's Alarm
How safe we felt growing up shapes how easily we feel safe now. A child who learns that the people around them are reliable and warm tends to grow into an adult whose body settles more quickly. A child who grows up with unpredictability, criticism, neglect or fear often learns to stay watchful, because watchfulness was once protective.
As adults, these people may notice that they scan a room when they walk in, read tone of voice for signs of trouble or struggle to relax when nothing is wrong. That is not a character flaw. It is a skill that was learned for good reasons and has not yet been updated. Therapy can help with that update, slowly and at a pace you control. If you recognise a pattern of anxiety in your closest relationships, the article on anxious attachment may help you make sense of it, and meeting the inner child looks at how to be gentler with the younger parts of yourself that still feel on guard.
Experiences that were frightening or overwhelming can leave a similar mark, even years later. People sometimes find that a smell, a sound or a situation brings back the feeling of danger although they know they are safe now. Understanding that this is the body remembering and not the present moment being unsafe can be a real relief. If this is part of your story, working with a trauma informed therapist is worth considering, and you do not need to do it alone.
Safety With Other People
Human beings calm each other. Think of how a hand on the shoulder, a familiar voice or a friend who simply stays with you can slow your breathing without a word being said. The opposite is also true. Loneliness, ongoing criticism, a relationship where you feel unseen or unsafe, or the strain of hiding who you are can keep anxiety high.
This matters for many of the people I work with. LGBTQ+ people who have had to be watchful about who they can be open with often carry a habit of vigilance into adult life. People in consensual non monogamous relationships can feel anxious when others do not understand their choices, or when the agreements they have made feel uncertain. In couples, anxiety often rises when one partner feels unsure of the other, and it falls when there is reliable warmth and a way to repair after a row. If loneliness is part of the picture, the article on feeling lonely in a relationship may be useful.
Supportive relationships do not have to be romantic. A friend you can call, a family member who listens, a community where you belong or a therapist you trust all count. If you are in a relationship that leaves you frightened or constantly on edge, that deserves attention in its own right, and the article on signs of emotional abuse describes what to look for. Nobody should be asked to stay somewhere that does not feel safe.
Physical touch can help regulate our nervous systems
Sleep and Anxiety
Sleep is one of the quickest ways to see the link between body and anxiety. Research on sleep loss and anxiety found that even modest night to night reductions in sleep, across a wider group of people, predicted higher anxiety the following day (Ben Simon et al., 2020). The relationship also runs the other way, because anxiety makes sleep harder to come by.
This is why I so often start with sleep when I meet someone who is anxious. If you are tired, your body has fewer resources to stay calm. A few things tend to help. Keep roughly the same waking time each day, give yourself a wind down period without screens, keep the bedroom cool and dark, and if your mind races at night, write down what is on it before bed. If sleep is badly affected for several weeks, please speak to your GP, because there is good help available.
Ways to Help Your Body Feel Safer
None of these is a cure, and different things work for different people. They are best thought of as ways of telling your body, repeatedly and gently, that it can stand down.
Slow your breathing. A meta analysis of 12 randomised trials with 785 adults found that breathwork was linked with lower self reported stress, and a further set of 20 trials found lower anxiety, with small to medium effects (Fincham et al., 2023). The authors urge caution about how strong the evidence is, so it is best seen as a useful tool and not a miracle. A simple approach is to breathe in for four and out for six, a few times, with the out breath a little longer than the in breath.
Ground yourself in the room. Feel your feet on the floor, hold something warm, name five things you can see. This brings attention back from the imagined future to the present, where you are usually safe.
Move your body. A walk, stretching, yoga or a swim can burn off the energy that anxiety creates and often shifts your mood.
Make the day predictable. Regular meals, sleep and rest give the body less to be alert about.
Soften your surroundings. Dim lighting, less clutter, a calm sound or a favourite blanket may sound small, but your body notices.
Reach for people. Spend time with those who help you feel at ease, and let them know when you are struggling.
Limit what winds you up. Constant news, endless scrolling and too much caffeine can all keep the alarm primed. Always On explores how phones keep us alert and what to do about it.
Some people find it helps to notice when the anxiety comes at predictable times. If it clusters at the end of the weekend, the Sunday scaries article may sound familiar. And if you find that you cry when the tension finally breaks, the article on tears explains why that is a healthy release and not a setback.
When Anxiety Shows Up Between Partners
Anxiety rarely stays inside one person. A partner who is anxious may ask for reassurance again and again, avoid certain places, cancel plans at the last minute or become irritable when the alarm is loud. The other partner can end up feeling responsible for managing it, or shut out, or worn down by it. Both reactions are understandable.
In my experience the most helpful shift is moving from fixing to accompanying. Rather than arguing the worry away, a partner can name what they see, stay close and ask what would help in this moment. The anxious partner, in turn, can say when they need company and when they need space, so that nobody has to guess. Over time this builds exactly the kind of reliable safety that settles an alarmed body, and it works just as well for same sex couples and for people with more than one partner as it does for anyone else.
Small Things to Try This Week
It can feel daunting to change everything at once, so choose one or two of these and give them a fair try for a couple of weeks before deciding whether they help.
Notice where in your body anxiety begins, and describe it in a sentence, such as a tight band across my chest.
Pick one time each day to take five slow breaths, perhaps before opening your phone in the morning.
Name one place or person that helps you feel at ease, and spend a little more time there.
Keep a short note of when the anxiety is higher and lower, because patterns often appear within a fortnight.
Tell one trusted person how you are doing.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a place to feel safe enough to look at anxiety, which is a good start in itself. Different approaches suit different people, and I work in an integrative way, drawing on what fits the person in front of me.
Cognitive behavioural therapy has a large body of research behind it for anxiety. A meta analysis of 41 randomised trials with 2,843 people compared CBT with placebo conditions and found moderate benefits for anxiety related difficulties, with larger effects for generalised anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder (Carpenter et al., 2018). It helps people notice the thoughts and habits that keep anxiety going, and to test them out gently in real life. The article on CBT explains what it involves and when other approaches may suit you better.
Other forms of therapy also help. Relational therapy works on how anxiety shows up between people, and body focused approaches pay attention to physical sensation as a way in. Therapy for trauma related anxiety takes things at a careful pace, and the aim is always to build safety first. In my experience what matters most is that you feel understood by the person you are working with.
Couples therapy can help too, particularly when one partner's anxiety is shaping how you both live. Partners often do not know whether to reassure, give space or gently push. Working it out together reduces blame, and I see couples of every kind, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in open or polyamorous relationships.
When to Seek Support
Anxiety is common and treatable, and you do not have to wait until it is unbearable. It is worth reaching out if it has lasted for weeks, is affecting your sleep, work or relationships, brings panic attacks, or leads you to avoid places and people you care about. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please contact your GP, call 111 or Samaritans on 116 123, or go to A&E. If your low mood is as strong as your worry, the article on sadness and depression can help you tell them apart.
Finding Your Footing
You do not need to eliminate anxiety to live well. Its job is to protect you, and the aim is to help it do that job with a little less noise. Start with whichever step feels smallest, perhaps an earlier night, a slower breath or a conversation with someone you trust. Over time, a body that keeps being shown it is safe tends to believe it.
If you would like to talk this through with a therapist, I offer a free 30 minute consultation in person in London or online. Whether the anxiety is your own, your partner's or something you share, you are welcome to get in touch.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, and the founder of Rise and Grow Therapy, a private practice offering couples and relationship therapy across Kensington, Pimlico, and Angel, Islington in London, as well as online consultations. His approach draws first on Imago Relationship Therapy, alongside integrative relational, attachment based, Gottman, and systemic approaches. Mark works with couples of all kinds, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in non traditional relationship structures such as consensual non monogamy, as well as with individuals working through relational issues.
References
Ben Simon, E., Rossi, A., Harvey, A. G., & Walker, M. P. (2020). Overanxious and underslept. Nature Human Behaviour, 4(1), 100 to 110. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-019-0754-8
Carpenter, J. K., Andrews, L. A., Witcraft, S. M., Powers, M. B., Smits, J. A. J., & Hofmann, S. G. (2018). Cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety and related disorders: A meta analysis of randomized placebo controlled trials. Depression and Anxiety, 35(6), 502 to 514. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.22728
Fincham, G. W., Strauss, C., Montero Marin, J., & Cavanagh, K. (2023). Effect of breathwork on stress and mental health: A meta analysis of randomised controlled trials. Scientific Reports, 13(1), 432. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-27247-y
