Surviving Christmas Without Falling Out: How Couples Can Navigate Conflict During the Holidays
Christmas is often portrayed as a time of warmth, closeness, and togetherness. In reality, it’s also one of the most common times of year for relationship tension to surface. Couples who usually manage well can find themselves arguing more frequently, feeling disconnected, or quietly questioning the state of their relationship.
If this sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. It usually means you’re under pressure.
As a relationship therapist, I often see a spike in couples seeking support in December and January — not because Christmas causes problems, but because it intensifies what’s already there. This article explores why conflict often increases at this time of year, how couples can navigate it more gently, and when relationship therapy might be helpful.
Why relationship conflict often peaks at Christmas
Christmas brings together a unique mix of emotional, practical, and relational stressors. Individually these might be manageable; combined, they can feel overwhelming.
Heightened expectations
Many of us carry unspoken ideas about how Christmas should look — relaxed, joyful, intimate, meaningful. When reality doesn’t match that picture, disappointment and resentment can creep in (Expectation–disappointment cycles are a well-documented contributor to relationship distress; see Finkel et al., 2014).
Increased time together
Time off work can mean more time together, often without the usual routines or personal space that help regulate emotions. While closeness can be nourishing, it can also amplify irritations that are normally buffered by daily structure.
Family dynamics and old roles
Visits to family can stir up long-standing patterns — people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, loyalty binds, or feeling like a child again rather than an adult partner. Research on family systems highlights how easily individuals revert to early roles under stress (Bowen, 1978).
Financial pressure
Money worries are one of the most common sources of couple conflict year-round, and Christmas often intensifies this through gift-giving, travel, and social expectations (Dew, Britt & Huston, 2012).
Emotional labour imbalance
Planning meals, organising visits, buying gifts, remembering birthdays, and managing the emotional tone of Christmas often falls disproportionately on one partner. When this goes unspoken, resentment can quietly build.
Common themes of Christmas-related conflict
While every relationship is different, certain patterns show up repeatedly in therapy rooms at this time of year:
Arguments about family priorities: whose family to see, how long to stay, or whether to go at all
Feeling unsupported: one partner feeling they’re carrying the emotional or logistical load alone
Sex and intimacy pressure: expectations of closeness that don’t align with reality
Avoidance and withdrawal: shutting down to “keep the peace,” but feeling increasingly distant
Old arguments resurfacing unresolved issues that reappear because there’s finally time — or less distraction
These conflicts are rarely just about Christmas. They’re usually about feeling unseen, unheard, or misaligned.
Christmas is one of the most common times of year for relationship tension to surface
Ways couples can navigate conflict more gently during the holidays
The goal during Christmas isn’t to resolve everything. It’s to reduce harm, increase understanding, and preserve connection where possible.
Lower the bar — intentionally
Rather than aiming for a “perfect” Christmas, it can help to agree on a good enough one. Letting go of unrealistic expectations is associated with greater relationship satisfaction (Neff & Karney, 2009).
Choose timing carefully
Not every issue needs to be discussed immediately. If emotions are running high, it’s often kinder — and more effective — to pause and return to the conversation later.
Separate stress from meaning
Try to name external stressors explicitly: “I think we’re both exhausted and under pressure — this might not actually be about the presents.” This can reduce personal blame and defensiveness.
Stay curious rather than persuasive
Shifting from “I need you to understand me” to “Help me understand you” can soften conflict and foster connection (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
Protect moments of rest
Time apart, early nights, walks alone, or reduced social commitments aren’t signs of failure — they’re forms of emotional regulation.
When talking it through isn’t enough
Many couples tell themselves that if they just communicate better, things will improve. Communication matters — but it isn’t always the core issue.
Relationship research suggests that distress often persists not because couples aren’t talking, but because they’re caught in repeating emotional patterns that feel hard to step out of alone (Johnson, 2004).
You might consider additional support if:
You’re having the same arguments repeatedly with no resolution
Conversations escalate quickly or feel emotionally unsafe
One or both of you withdraws or shuts down
You feel lonely or disconnected despite being together
Christmas has highlighted questions about staying, separating, or redefining the relationship
Needing support doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It often means the stakes feel too high to navigate alone.
How relationship therapy can help — even short term
A common misconception is that therapy is only for couples on the brink of separation. In reality, many couples seek therapy to:
Slow conflict down
Understand recurring patterns
Learn to listen without becoming defensive
Make sense of whether to repair, pause, or separate kindly
Even a small number of sessions can help couples get through an intense period like Christmas with greater clarity and less harm.
Importantly, relationship therapy isn’t about taking sides or forcing outcomes. It’s about creating a space where both people can be heard and understood.
Considering therapy after Christmas
For some couples, the holidays act as a mirror — reflecting issues that have been quietly present all year. January often becomes a time of reckoning, which is why relationship therapy enquiries peak early in the new year.
If you’re noticing that Christmas conflict hasn’t eased once the festivities are over, it may be worth asking:
What keeps getting triggered between us?
What feels hardest to talk about?
Are we trying to change each other, or understand each other?
Therapy can help turn these questions into constructive conversations rather than painful stand-offs.
A gentle invitation
If Christmas is bringing up more conflict, distance, or uncertainty than you expected, you don’t have to face it alone. Relationship therapy can offer a calm, structured space to explore what’s happening beneath the surface — whether your goal is to reconnect, communicate more clearly, or find a respectful way forward.
About the author
Mark Ryan is an integrative psychotherapist and accredited relationship therapist, working exclusively in person with couples in London. He supports people in understanding the emotional patterns shaping their relationships — whether that means rebuilding connection, navigating conflict more safely, or finding a thoughtful way to separate. He practices at Rise and Grow Therapy across Pimlico, Kensington, and Angel.
References
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
Dew, J., Britt, S., & Huston, S. (2012). Examining the relationship between financial issues and divorce. Family Relations, 61(4), 615–628.
Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). The suffocation of marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow without enough oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 25(1), 1–41.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Johnson, S. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy. Brunner-Routledge.
Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2009). Stress and reactivity to daily relationship experiences. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 97(3), 435–450.
