By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
Most of us know the feeling of a mind that will not stop reporting what has gone wrong. The email that was curt, the plan that fell through, the thing we said that landed badly. When that commentary runs on repeat it colours the whole day, and it can wear down our mood and our patience with the people closest to us. Gratitude is one of the simplest ways to answer it. It is not a cure, and it does not ask you to pretend that everything is fine. It is a small, steady habit of noticing what is good alongside what is hard, and it has more support behind it than many wellbeing trends.
Why the Mind Holds On to the Difficult Things
Many people find that bad moments stick and good ones slide past. The disappointing comment from a colleague replays at three in the morning, while the kind word from a friend is gone by lunchtime. In my experience this is one of the most common things people describe when they first come to therapy, and it is rarely a sign that something is wrong with them. A mind that scans for problems is doing what minds do when they are tired, stressed or anxious. It is trying to keep us safe, and it is not very good at keeping a sense of proportion while it does so.
The trouble is that a mind tuned to problems tends to miss the ordinary good things that are already there. A partner who made the tea without being asked, a friend who texted to check in, the first warm day after a long winter. None of these cancel out the difficult things, and they do not need to. Gratitude simply asks us to give the good things the same attention we so readily give the bad, and in time many people find the balance of their days begins to feel a little different.
What the Research Says Gratitude Can Do
Gratitude, put simply, is the appreciation of what is good and valuable in our lives, and very often of the people who bring it. Over the past twenty years it has been studied a great deal, and the picture that has emerged is encouraging and also measured.
One of the best known early studies randomly assigned people to keep a record of things they were grateful for, things that irritated them, or neutral events. Those who listed what they were grateful for showed heightened wellbeing on several, though not all, of the measures, and the clearest and most consistent finding was a rise in positive mood (Emmons and McCullough, 2003). That fits what I see. People who start noticing what is good do not usually become dramatically happier, but many describe feeling steadier and a little more able to enjoy things.
More recently, a large meta analysis pulled together 145 papers covering more than 24,000 people from 28 countries. It found that gratitude exercises led to small overall increases in wellbeing, and that the benefit was larger when people were measured on positive feelings, when different kinds of exercise were combined, and in the better designed trials (Choi et al., 2025). The word small matters here, and I think it is reassuring. Gratitude is not a powerful treatment, and it will not do the work of therapy, medication or changes to a difficult life. It is a modest, low cost habit that tends to help a little, and a little, repeated over weeks, can be valuable.
If you are living with persistent low mood or anxiety, gratitude can sit alongside proper support but it is not a substitute for it. The article on telling sadness from depression explains what to look out for and when to ask for help.
Gratitude and the People Closest to You
The part of gratitude I find most valuable in my work is what it does between people. Researchers following both members of cohabiting couples through their days found that feeling grateful for a partner's thoughtful act predicted a rise in feeling connected and satisfied the following day, for the person who gave and the person who received (Algoe, Gable and Maisel, 2010). The authors described gratitude as a kind of booster shot for the relationship. It was different from feeling in debt to a partner, which did not carry the same benefit.
Algoe later set out a way of understanding why, which she calls the find, remind and bind theory. Gratitude helps us find people who are good for us, reminds us of what is valuable in the relationships we already have, and binds us to the people who respond to our needs (Algoe, 2012). I find this a helpful way to think about it. Thanks is not just good manners. It is how two people tell each other that they have been seen.
This matches what I notice with couples. In many relationships that feel stuck, appreciation has dropped out of the conversation. Both partners are still doing things for each other, and neither is noticing or saying so. The talk is about logistics and grievances, and each person starts to feel taken for granted. Bringing thanks back does not fix a deeper problem, but it often softens the atmosphere enough for harder conversations to become possible. If you are in the middle of a row, repairing after a fight is a good place to start, and an honest thank you is often a part of it.
This applies well beyond romantic couples. The friend who always remembers, the sibling who turns up, the colleague who covers for you. For many LGBTQ+ people, chosen family carries a particular weight, and noticing and thanking the people who have been there for you can be a meaningful practice in a world that has not always been affirming. The same is true for people in consensually non monogamous relationships, where gratitude can be shared across partners and metamours alike, and where saying out loud what each person brings can make the whole web of connection feel steadier.
Gratitude helps us find people who are good for us, reminds us of what is valuable in the relationships we already have, and binds us to the people who respond to our needs
Building a Daily Gratitude Practice
You do not need long, and you do not need a special notebook. The aim is to make noticing what is good a regular habit and not something you only do when you remember. These are the approaches I suggest most often.
Keep a short list. Once a day, or a few times a week, write down three things that went well or that you appreciated. They can be large, such as good news, or tiny, such as a seat on the train. The detail helps. Writing that your neighbour carried your shopping up the stairs is more useful than writing that people are kind.
Say thank you out loud. Make a point of telling one person each day or each week what they did that mattered, and be specific. "Thank you for sorting the bins, I know you were tired" lands very differently from a quick thanks.
Write a gratitude letter. Choose someone who has made a difference to you and whom you have never properly thanked, and write to them. Many people find the writing alone is moving, and sending or reading it aloud can be even more so.
Pause for a moment of appreciation. Add a minute to something you already do, such as a morning coffee or a walk, and let yourself notice one thing you are glad of. This works well alongside mindfulness or meditation if you already have a practice.
Leave small reminders. A note on the fridge, a photo on your phone, a message saved from someone kind. These give you something to return to on days when your mind is not helping.
What It Can Feel Like When It Works
People often expect gratitude to bring a rush of happiness, and are disappointed when it does not. In my experience the change is quieter and arrives sideways. Someone mentions that they snapped less at the end of a long day, or that they noticed the light on the walk home for the first time in weeks. A client might say that a week of writing three small things down left them feeling less braced, as though the day had a bit more room in it.
That is a realistic picture of what the research describes, a modest lift in mood that builds with repetition. It is also a good reason not to judge the habit by a single day. A practice that feels flat on Tuesday may be doing its work by the end of the month, and it is fine to treat it as an experiment, keeping what helps and dropping what does not.
Practising Gratitude Together
Gratitude does not have to be a solitary habit, and doing it alongside someone else often makes it easier to keep going. Couples, housemates, friends and families can all share it, and the shared version has its own benefits because the thanks is heard by the person it is meant for.
Share one appreciation at the end of the day. Over supper or before sleep, each tell the other one thing you noticed and valued. Keep it specific and keep it short.
Notice effort, not just outcomes. Thank your partner for trying, for the thought behind a gesture, or for dealing with something you did not have to ask about. People tend to feel most seen when their care is noticed.
Thank each other for the invisible work. Planning, remembering, organising and smoothing things over are often done by one person and taken for granted. Naming it out loud can ease a lot of quiet resentment.
Receive thanks well. If saying thank you is easy and hearing it is awkward, try replying with a simple "I'm glad" and letting it land, rather than brushing it aside.
These habits are most useful as part of an honest relationship and not a replacement for one. They work best when you can also talk about what is difficult, and if that is where you are stuck, how blame creeps into relationships may help you see what is going on.
When Gratitude Feels Difficult
Some days gratitude comes easily and some days it feels forced, and both are fine. If you are grieving, exhausted, in pain or going through something hard, being told to count your blessings can feel dismissive, and it often is. Gratitude is not meant to push other feelings away. It can sit beside sadness, anger and worry, and in my experience it works best when it does.
If a gratitude practice starts to feel like a chore, a few small adjustments tend to help.
Vary what you do. Alternate between writing a list, thanking someone and a moment of quiet reflection, so the practice stays fresh.
Start smaller than you think you need to. Writing in a journal once or twice a week is plenty, and you can build from there.
Be kind to yourself on the flat days. If nothing comes, write that down, or simply notice one small thing that was not bad. The point is to keep the habit gently alive.
Let all your feelings stay. You can be grateful for a friend and still be furious about your week. Both are true, and neither cancels the other out.
There is also an important limit. Gratitude should never be used to talk yourself out of a problem that deserves attention. If you are being treated badly, feeling unsafe, or unhappy in a relationship, being thankful for the good moments does not mean you have to stay or that things are your fault. Gratitude and honest dissatisfaction can sit together, and noticing what is wrong is just as important as noticing what is right. If that sounds familiar, the article on feeling lonely in a relationship may be useful.
Gratitude and the Darker Months
Many people find the weeks around Christmas and the new year a mixed experience, with pressure to feel joyful when they may feel tired, lonely or flat. A gratitude habit can be a gentle companion at those times, because it does not ask for a big mood or a perfect celebration. It asks for one small honest observation a day. If the post holiday dip tends to catch you out, the post Christmas blues looks at why it happens and what helps.
How Gratitude Can Spread
In my experience, when we express thanks it rarely stays with us. A thank you tends to change the room, and the person who receives one often passes on a little of the warmth. Over time, a household or a friendship or a team where appreciation is spoken aloud usually feels different, with more ease, more generosity and a little more willingness to forgive the small things. It does not require a grand gesture. A few sincere sentences, said regularly, add up.
For couples and families, this can include children, who learn a great deal about how people treat each other from watching the adults around them. A home where people say thank you and mean it teaches that being seen and valued is normal. A child learns what a relationship feels like long before they can describe it, and appreciation that is spoken between the adults is part of what they take in.
Finding What Works for You
The most useful gratitude practice is the one you will keep doing, and it will look different for different people. Some like a journal by the bed. Some prefer to say thanks in conversation, and some find a quiet moment on a commute does the job. Try a few and notice which one leaves you feeling a little lighter.
Gratitude is not a replacement for therapy, and it is not meant to be. But it can be a helpful companion to it, and many of the people I work with find that a small daily habit of appreciation makes the harder work of therapy feel more manageable. If you would like to talk through what is making things difficult, or you are noticing patterns in your relationship that thanks alone is not shifting, I offer a free 30 minute consultation, in person in London or online, for individuals and couples of all kinds.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, and the founder of Rise and Grow Therapy, a private practice offering couples and relationship therapy across Kensington, Pimlico, and Angel, Islington in London, as well as online consultations. His approach draws first on Imago Relationship Therapy, alongside integrative relational, attachment based, Gottman, and systemic approaches. Mark works with couples of all kinds, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in non traditional relationship structures such as consensual non monogamy, as well as with individuals working through relational issues.
References
Algoe, S. B. (2012). Find, remind, and bind: The functions of gratitude in everyday relationships. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 6(6), 455 to 469. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2012.00439.x
Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It's the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 217 to 233. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01273.x
Choi, H., Cha, Y., McCullough, M. E., Coles, N. A., & Oishi, S. (2025). A meta analysis of the effectiveness of gratitude interventions on well being across cultures. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 122(28), e2425193122. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2425193122
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377 to 389. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377
