Modern Love, Many Forms: How Relationships Are Evolving in a Polyamorous and Monogamous World
For as long as humans have formed emotional bonds, the way we create and sustain relationships has been changing. From arranged marriages in ancient times to today’s consensual non-monogamous partnerships, relationships have always reflected the culture, values, and possibilities of their era. In our modern world, people are exploring new ways to connect, love, and grow together — but evolving relationship structures also bring fresh challenges.
A Brief History: From Survival to Love
Historically, marriage wasn’t about romance. It was about property, alliances, and survival. In many societies, marriages were arranged to secure wealth or political stability (Coontz, 2005). Love, if it came at all, was considered a happy accident rather than the foundation of partnership.
It wasn’t until the 18th and 19th centuries, particularly in the Western world, that romantic love began to be seen as a valid reason to marry (Coontz, 2005). Even then, rigid gender roles often shaped relationships, with clear expectations about who provided financially and who cared for the home.
But alongside property and politics, marriage historically served another purpose: the control of women’s autonomy. In many cultures, women were treated as property themselves — their sexuality, labour, and reproductive capacity controlled through marital contracts. Laws and social norms restricted women’s choices, ensuring that wealth and lineage stayed within male-dominated family lines (Patriquin, 2019). Emotional fulfilment was rarely a consideration; compliance and duty were.
The 20th century saw further shifts. Women’s increasing financial independence, greater social mobility, and evolving cultural norms started to change the power dynamics within relationships. In the 1960s and 70s, second-wave feminism challenged the idea that women’s fulfilment could only be found in marriage. The LGBTQ+ rights movement fought for the visibility and legitimacy of same-sex relationships, culminating in marriage equality victories across many countries in the 21st century.
Today, we’re seeing yet another evolution — one where people are consciously choosing the kind of relationships that work for them, rather than conforming to societal expectations.
The Rise of Diverse Relationship Models
Consensual Non-Monogamy and Polyamory
Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is an umbrella term that covers a range of relationship styles where people agree to have multiple romantic or sexual partners with openness and honesty. This can include polyamory (loving more than one person), open relationships, swinging, and relationship anarchy. CNM challenges the assumption that monogamy is the default or only healthy way to love.
In the UK and globally, consensual non-monogamy is becoming more visible. Research suggests that around 4–5% of people in Western countries are in some form of CNM relationship at any given time, and up to 20% have tried it at some point in their lives (Moors et al., 2014; Fairbrother et al., 2019).
Polyamory, in particular, centres on forming loving, committed connections with multiple people, often built on transparency, consent, and mutual care. These relationships are not “just about sex” — they can involve deep emotional bonds, shared life plans, and community building.
But CNM and polyamory are not without challenges. People navigating these paths may face societal stigma, internalised shame, or logistical complexities like managing time, emotional needs, and communication across multiple partners. Therapy can offer a supportive, non-judgmental space to explore these complexities.
Changing Definitions of Commitment
It’s not just non-monogamous relationships that are evolving. Even monogamous couples today are more likely to consciously define what commitment means to them. For some, this might involve choosing not to marry but still building a life together. For others, it means cohabiting long-term without children or living apart while maintaining a committed romantic relationship (known as Living Apart Together or LAT) (Duncan & Phillips, 2010).
We’re also seeing a greater awareness of the emotional and mental work that goes into sustaining relationships. Healthy relationships today often involve explicit conversations about values, boundaries, and shared goals — things that earlier generations might have left unsaid.
Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is an umbrella term that covers a range of relationship styles
Why Are Relationships Changing?
Several social and cultural shifts help explain why our relationships are evolving:
Individualism and personal fulfilment: People increasingly seek personal growth and emotional satisfaction in their relationships, not just stability or social approval (Beck & Beck-Gernsheim, 2002).
Gender equality: As traditional gender roles break down, relationships can be more flexible. Partners can share financial, emotional, and household responsibilities in ways that fit their unique strengths and values.
Queer and trans visibility: The increasing visibility of LGBTQ+ identities has created space for different ways of loving and connecting. Queer relationships often resist heteronormative scripts, opening doors for more diverse relationship structures.
Digital dating and connection: Apps and online communities have made it easier to meet people outside our immediate social circles, including finding partners who share specific relationship values or lifestyles.
Greater awareness of mental health: People today recognise the importance of emotional well-being and are more likely to seek help when relationship challenges arise.
The Role of Therapy in Evolving Relationships
A Safe Place to Explore
Whether you’re in a traditional marriage, a polyamorous network, or questioning what you want from love, therapy can offer a space to reflect. Therapists can help individuals, couples, or constellations (groups of partners) explore their values, fears, and hopes in a non-judgmental setting.
For many people in non-traditional relationships, finding an affirming therapist is crucial. Too often, people in CNM or queer relationships have encountered therapists who pathologize their choices. An inclusive therapist respects your autonomy and helps you explore what’s right for you.
Common Themes in Therapy for Modern Relationships
Communication: Modern relationships often involve navigating complex dynamics — whether it’s balancing multiple partners’ needs or defining boundaries in a monogamous relationship. Therapy can help develop clear, compassionate communication skills.
Managing jealousy and insecurity: Jealousy is normal in all kinds of relationships. Therapy can help people understand their emotional triggers and find healthier ways to respond to difficult feelings (Moors, 2017).
Working through societal stigma: Non-traditional relationships can face judgment from family, friends, or colleagues. Therapy provides a safe space to process these experiences and build resilience.
Creating relationship agreements: Therapy can help couples or polycules clarify what works for them — whether that means defining sexual exclusivity, parenting responsibilities, or financial commitments.
Healing attachment wounds: Many relationship struggles trace back to early attachment experiences. Therapy can help identify these patterns and create new, healthier ways of relating (Johnson, 2019).
Evolving Relationships, Evolving Skills
Navigating today’s relationship landscape requires courage, curiosity, and communication. Some of the skills that help relationships thrive in this evolving context include:
Emotional literacy: Being able to name your feelings and share them vulnerably.
Boundary setting: Knowing what you need to feel safe and respected, and expressing that clearly.
Consent culture: Recognising that consent applies not just to sex but to all aspects of relationship agreements and dynamics.
Flexibility: Allowing relationships to evolve over time rather than sticking rigidly to one model.
Community support: Especially in CNM and queer spaces, chosen families and communities can provide vital support that society sometimes withholds.
These skills aren’t innate — they’re learnable. And therapy can be a powerful place to develop them.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
The way we love is changing, and that can feel exciting, confusing, or overwhelming — sometimes all at once. Whether you’re navigating polyamory, questioning the future of your relationship, or simply wanting to communicate better with your partner, therapy can offer guidance.
I work with people and couples from all walks of life, including those in consensual non-monogamous, polyamorous, and LGBTQ+ relationships. My approach is warm, collaborative, and affirming of your unique relationship journey.
Relationships may look different today than they did 100 years ago — or even 10 years ago. But the heart of what we all seek remains the same: connection, understanding, and love. Therapy can help you build those foundations in a way that’s right for you.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is an integrative psychotherapist and founder of Rise and Grow Therapy in London. He works with individuals and couples to build stronger, more authentic relationships including LGBTQ+ partnerships and non-traditional relationship dynamics.
References
Beck, U., & Beck-Gernsheim, E. (2002). Individualization: Institutionalized Individualism and Its Social and Political Consequences. SAGE Publications.
Coontz, S. (2005). Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage. Penguin Books.
Duncan, S., & Phillips, M. (2010). People who live apart together (LATs)–how different are they?. The Sociological Review, 58(1), 112-134.
Fairbrother, N., Hart, T. A., & Fairbrother, M. (2019). Open relationship prevalence, characteristics, and correlates in a national sample of Canadian adults. Journal of Sex Research, 56(7), 741-752.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.
Moors, A. C., et al. (2014). Different strokes for different folks: Sociosexual orientation, commitment, and sexual satisfaction in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behaviour, 43(7), 1219-1230.
Moors, A. C. (2017). Has the monogamy mindset monopolized relationship science? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(4), 602–610.
