By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
Most couples are not prepared for what happens to their relationship after a baby arrives. Friends might warn you that you will be tired, that the first few months will be a blur, that your social life will change. What people rarely tell you is that the first two years of parenthood can be one of the most relationally difficult periods a couple goes through.
The numbers on this are striking. The Gottman Institute reports, from its Bringing Baby Home research, that almost two thirds of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction up to three years after having a baby (Gottman Institute, n.d.). An independent eight year study of 218 couples found a similar shape. Compared with before the birth, parents showed a sudden deterioration in relationship functioning, small to medium in size, that tended to persist through the rest of the study. Mothers and fathers showed similar amounts of change, and a group of couples without children showed only a more gradual decline over the same years, which suggests the birth itself played a part (Doss et al., 2009). In my room I hear the same story. Conflict increases, sex and intimacy decline, communication frays, and many couples report feeling more like co managers than partners.
If you are reading this in the middle of it, exhausted and wondering whether something has gone seriously wrong with your relationship, the most useful thing I can tell you is this. What you are experiencing is common, well documented and responsive to help. In my experience the couples who come through this period well are often the ones who recognise what is happening and address it deliberately.
Why having a baby is so hard on relationships
There is no single reason couples struggle after a baby. There are several, layered on top of each other, and they tend to compound.
Sleep deprivation changes everything
A review of sleep loss in new parents suggested that disrupted sleep may add to the decline in marital satisfaction after a baby, partly through its effects on mood and thinking (Medina et al., 2009). Laboratory work points the same way. In a study of 37 healthy volunteers, a night of total sleep deprivation affected emotional empathy, consistent with earlier findings that sleep loss affects how we process emotional information (Guadagni et al., 2014). That study was not about parents, so I offer it as a clue and not a verdict. When both partners are running on broken sleep for months at a time, it makes sense that handling stress, repairing after conflict and keeping perspective all become harder. This is not a character flaw. People are not at their best when they have not slept properly in eight months.
The mental load becomes uneven, and resentment builds
In one US study that followed 205 first time and 198 experienced parents from pregnancy to twelve months after the birth, parents became more traditional in their gender role attitudes and behaviour, women changed more than men, and first time parents changed more than experienced ones (Katz Wise et al., 2010). In the opposite sex couples I see, I often notice mothers, particularly those who are breastfeeding, carrying a disproportionate share of both the physical caregiving and the cognitive load of remembering, planning and anticipating. That is a clinical observation and not a research finding. Fathers can feel sidelined or unsure of their role. Both partners can feel they are doing more than the other, which is one of the conditions under which resentment grows fastest.
Same sex couples face their own challenges, including disagreements about division of labour when there is no biological default, and external pressures from family, healthcare systems, or society more broadly. The dynamics differ, but the strain is real for every configuration.
Sex and physical intimacy often decline
Physical intimacy after a baby is affected by an extraordinary number of factors at once, hormonal shifts, exhaustion, body image changes, healing from birth, breastfeeding, the constant physical contact of caregiving, and the simple fact that there is rarely time or energy. A review of 48 studies found that female sexual function declined significantly during pregnancy and that the decline persisted for three to six months after delivery, with breastfeeding, painful intercourse and pelvic floor problems reported as reasons for delay in resuming sex (Serati et al., 2010). In my experience it can take longer than that for sex to feel easy again. The problem is rarely the absence of sex itself. It is what couples make it mean. When it is not addressed openly, the gap can widen and become a source of disconnection in its own right. I have written separately about desire discrepancy and why couples stop having sex, both of which are particularly relevant in the postnatal period.
Communication breaks down under pressure
Conflict in new parent couples tends to be quicker, sharper, and less repaired than it was before. That is what I see in the room, and it fits with what exhaustion does to anyone's patience. Many couples find themselves arguing about things that would never have triggered them before, and finding it harder to recover afterwards. The four communication patterns Gottman identified, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, all become more likely when capacity is reduced. The repair after a fight skills that may have worked before a baby often need to be relearned and adapted for the new context. A pre agreed pause can help when voices rise, and the free Time out plan for heated arguments on the Resources page sets one out.
Identity shifts that no one prepared you for
Becoming a parent involves a profound identity shift, often more than people anticipate. Both partners are now navigating a new sense of self, while also adjusting to seeing each other in new roles. Many couples report a sense of grief for the relationship they had before, even alongside love for the child and for each other. This is normal but rarely talked about. Without space to acknowledge it, the grief can curdle into resentment.
Postnatal mental health
Postnatal depression and anxiety are common. The NHS describes postnatal depression as a common condition and notes that fathers and partners can also have depression after having a baby (NHS, n.d.). A systematic review estimated that as many as 19.2% of women have a depressive episode, major or minor, in the first three months after birth, with about 7.1% having a major depressive episode, while cautioning that all the estimates were uncertain (Gavin et al., 2005). A meta analysis of 43 studies found depression in about 10% of fathers between pregnancy and the first postnatal year, rising to 25.6% at three to six months after the birth (Paulson and Bazemore, 2010). Untreated, perinatal mental health issues place additional strain on the relationship and on the family system. If either of you is struggling with low mood, anxiety, or thoughts you would not normally have, that warrants its own attention, ideally alongside any couples work, and your GP or health visitor is a good first call.
Most couples are not prepared for what happens to their relationship after a baby arrives.
What helps
The Gottmans developed and tested a programme called Bringing Baby Home, which gives us some trial evidence to draw on. That evidence, together with my own work, points to several things that make a difference.
Talk about the relationship before the baby arrives, if you can
Bringing Baby Home is built around couples talking during pregnancy about how they will handle the transition. In one randomised trial, 136 pregnant couples were assigned to the programme or to a control group. Fathers in the programme reported more involvement in parenting tasks, more satisfaction with the division of parenting labour, and feeling more appreciated by their wives (Shapiro et al., 2020). A related trial found that couples in the workshop group showed less contempt and more positive affect from husbands during conflict three months after the birth (Shapiro et al., 2015). These trials were run by the programme's developers with husbands and wives, so they are encouraging and not the last word. If you are pregnant and reading this, they are a good reason to start those conversations about division of labour, sleep, finances, in laws and physical intimacy early.
Name the experience accurately
A surprising amount of postnatal relationship distress comes from couples assuming that what they are experiencing is unique to them, or evidence that something is wrong between them. It is not. Naming the experience accurately, as a normal and predictable response to an enormously difficult life transition, takes some of the personal threat out of it. The problem is the situation, not the relationship.
Protect small windows of connection
Big romantic gestures are rarely possible with a baby in the house. In my experience small ones matter more. Ten minutes of undivided attention, a deliberate hug, a question that is not about logistics, a brief check in at the end of the day. A short, regular conversation can hold a lot, and the free Weekly relationship check in on the Resources page gives you a simple structure for one. The Gottman Institute describes the one third of couples who did well as those who managed the transition as a unified couple, kept a strong friendship, used effective conflict resolution and approached newborn care as teammates (Gottman Institute, n.d.). A six year study of 130 newlywed couples found something similar from the other direction. Mothers' satisfaction held steady or rose when husbands expressed fondness and awareness of the relationship, and fell when husbands showed negativity or disappointment (Shapiro et al., 2000). Small, frequent moments of warmth are one way those qualities show up in daily life.
Address resentment early
In my experience unspoken resentment is one of the most reliable ways relationships drift apart, and the postnatal period is fertile ground for it. Couples who can name what is bothering them, even imperfectly, do better than couples who tell themselves it is not worth bringing up. This is harder than it sounds when you are exhausted, but it matters. The how to stop arguing piece offers a framework for doing this without escalating into the cycle that often follows.
Get help early, not late
As I have written about elsewhere, many couples wait a long time before seeking therapy, and that pattern tends to be stronger for new parents who often assume things will improve when the baby sleeps better, or when the toddler years pass, or when they get back to work. Some things do improve with time. In my experience patterns of disconnection generally do not. They tend to entrench and become harder to shift the longer they are left.
Should you wait until things settle down?
This is one of the most common questions I get asked by new parents considering therapy, and my answer is no. The instinct is understandable. Therapy feels like another thing to add to an already overwhelming list, and the assumption is that you should wait until you have more capacity. But the postnatal period is when capacity is lowest, and waiting often means the patterns you are concerned about become more entrenched.
Therapy with new parents does not need to add pressure. A good therapist will work with the reality of your life, including baby in the room when needed, sessions scheduled around feeds and naps, and a focus on the most useful changes rather than ambitious overhauls. The aim is to give you skills and insights you can use immediately, in five minute windows, not to ask you to add a major project to your week.
Same sex couples, blended families, and non traditional configurations
Much of the research cited here describes mothers, fathers, husbands and wives, so it speaks most directly to opposite sex couples. The broad patterns, the strain on the relationship, the importance of communication, the value of early support, are ones I see across configurations. Same sex couples, for whom I have a particular focus in my practice, often face additional considerations around how parental roles are negotiated when there is no biological default, how to handle external assumptions from family or healthcare, and how to ensure both parents feel equally claimed by the child. Blended families and step parenting bring their own dynamics, particularly around how a new baby reshapes existing family relationships. The principles of good postnatal couple work apply across all of these, but the specifics matter and a therapist who understands your particular context is worth seeking out.
Taking the next step
If you are in the early years of parenthood and your relationship feels harder than it used to, that is not evidence of failure. It is evidence of one of the most common patterns in adult life. The question is not whether the strain is normal. It is whether you want to address it now, while it is responsive, or wait until it has become something larger.
My practice, Rise and Grow Therapy, offers couples therapy across central London from rooms in Kensington, Pimlico and Angel, Islington. I work with couples of all configurations, including same sex parents, blended families, and couples in consensually non monogamous relationships. The free consultation is the easiest way to find out whether the work might help, with no commitment beyond the call itself.
About the author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist (MBACP Accred) and NCPS Accredited Registered Relationship Therapist based in central London. He runs Rise and Grow Therapy, with rooms in Kensington, Pimlico, and Angel, Islington, and works with individuals and couples on relationship difficulties, intimacy, communication, and emotional connection. He has particular experience working with LGBTQ+ clients and couples in consensually non-monogamous relationships.
References
Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8 year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601 to 619. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19254107/
Gavin, N. I., Gaynes, B. N., Lohr, K. N., Meltzer Brody, S., Gartlehner, G., & Swinson, T. (2005). Perinatal depression: A systematic review of prevalence and incidence. Obstetrics and Gynecology, 106(5, Pt 1), 1071 to 1083. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16260528/
Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Romantic relationships take a dive after baby arrives. Gottman Institute blog. https://gottman.com/blog/romantic-relationships-take-a-dive-after-baby-arrives-according-to-research Retrieved 7 October 2026.
Guadagni, V., Burles, F., Ferrara, M., & Iaria, G. (2014). The effects of sleep deprivation on emotional empathy. Journal of Sleep Research, 23(6), 657 to 663. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25117004/
Katz Wise, S. L., Priess, H. A., & Hyde, J. S. (2010). Gender role attitudes and behavior across the transition to parenthood. Developmental Psychology, 46(1), 18 to 28. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20053003/
Medina, A. M., Lederhos, C. L., & Lillis, T. A. (2009). Sleep disruption and decline in marital satisfaction across the transition to parenthood. Families, Systems, & Health, 27(2), 153 to 160. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19630456/
National Health Service. (n.d.). Postnatal depression. https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/overview/ Retrieved 7 October 2026.
Paulson, J. F., & Bazemore, S. D. (2010). Prenatal and postpartum depression in fathers and its association with maternal depression: A meta analysis. JAMA, 303(19), 1961 to 1969. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20483973/
Serati, M., Salvatore, S., Siesto, G., Cattoni, E., Zanirato, M., Khullar, V., Cromi, A., Ghezzi, F., & Bolis, P. (2010). Female sexual function during pregnancy and after childbirth. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7(8), 2782 to 2790. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20626601/
Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M., & Carrère, S. (2000). The baby and the marriage: Identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 59 to 70. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10740682/
Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M., & Fink, B. C. (2015). Short term change in couples' conflict following a transition to parenthood intervention. Couple and Family Psychology, 4(4), 239 to 251. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27375959/
Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M., & Fink, B. C. (2020). Father's involvement when bringing baby home: Efficacy testing of a couple focused transition to parenthood intervention for promoting father involvement. Psychological Reports, 123(3), 806 to 824. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30764710/
