By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
You want sex more than your partner does. Or perhaps it's the other way around and your partner seems to want it constantly and you just don't feel it the way you used to. Maybe it's been a source of quiet tension for months, or years. Maybe it erupts into arguments. Maybe you've stopped talking about it altogether because the conversation never seems to go anywhere.
Whatever it looks like in your relationship, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with either of you.
Differences in sexual desire between partners, known clinically as sexual desire discrepancy or SDD, are among the main reasons couples seek therapy (Vowels & Mark, 2020). In one set of studies, 80 per cent of people said they had experienced a desire discrepancy with their partner in the past month (Day et al., 2015). It is not a sign that something is fundamentally broken. It is, for many couples, simply part of what long term intimacy looks like.
This post explores what desire discrepancy is, why it happens, how it can affect a relationship if left unaddressed, and most importantly, how couples can begin to talk about it in a way that brings them closer rather than further apart.
What Is Desire Discrepancy?
Sexual desire discrepancy was first defined by Zilbergeld and Ellison in 1980 to describe the gap between partners' desired frequency of sexual activity (Dewitte et al., 2020). But desire isn't just about frequency. It's about wanting: the feeling of interest in sex, the pull toward physical and emotional intimacy, the sense of openness to connection.
In most relationships, some degree of discrepancy exists. Two people rarely have identical drives, and those drives shift over time and are affected by stress, health, hormones, the length of the relationship, life events, and the quality of emotional connection between partners.
What matters is not whether a discrepancy exists, but how large it is and, crucially, how the couple navigates it. A position statement by the European Society for Sexual Medicine, which draws on expert opinion because systematic evidence is limited, stresses that desire discrepancy is dyadic, age related and relative. In other words, it describes the gap between two people and not a fault in one of them. The statement recommends normalising variation in desire and helping couples understand the natural course of desire (Dewitte et al., 2020).
There Is No 'Normal', And That Matters
One of the most damaging things couples do when facing desire differences is to assume one partner's level of desire is 'right' and the other's is 'wrong.' The higher desire partner worries they are too demanding or that their partner no longer finds them attractive. The lower desire partner fears there is something deficient about them; that they are broken, or have somehow failed.
Neither is true. There is no correct or normal level of sexual desire.
Desire is influenced by a wide range of things. In a large British survey, people who said it was always easy to talk about sex with their partner were less likely to report lacking interest in sex. Lacking interest was also linked with poorer health, having young children at home and not feeling emotionally close to a partner during sex (Graham et al., 2017). Those are mostly facts about circumstances and relationships, not about personal failure.
It's also worth challenging some entrenched assumptions about who wants sex more. The stereotype of the high libido man and the low libido woman is not a reliable picture. Differences run in every direction. In a survey of 1,072 women in same sex relationships, what predicted lower sexual satisfaction was a difference in desire that the couple experienced as a problem, and not the difference itself (Bridges & Horne, 2007).
In short: desire discrepancy can exist in any relationship, in any direction. It is not a reflection of how much you love your partner, how attracted you are to them, or whether your relationship is fundamentally viable.
There is no correct or normal level of sexual desire.
Why Desire Discrepancy Becomes a Problem
Left unaddressed, the gap between partners' desires can create a painful dynamic that has less and less to do with sex itself.
The partner who wants more sex often begins to feel rejected, unwanted, and unloved. The partner who wants less begins to feel pressured, inadequate, or that sex has become a performance rather than a pleasure.
Once this cycle takes hold, it can compound over time. Studies link larger gaps in desire with lower sexual and relationship satisfaction, although the findings are mixed (Mark, 2015). Couples can find themselves avoiding not just sex, but physical closeness of any kind: touch, affection, even sleeping in the same bed, because every gesture carries the weight of an unspoken negotiation.
It's also worth noting that desire discrepancy may affect partners differently. In one study of 133 heterosexual university couples, a larger desire discrepancy predicted lower sexual satisfaction for women and lower relationship satisfaction for men, although the differences within couples were not significant (Mark & Murray, 2012). Both partners' experiences matter, and both deserve to be heard.
The avoidance itself becomes a problem. The longer couples go without addressing the underlying dynamic, the more entrenched the patterns become, and the harder it is to find a way back to each other.
Starting the Conversation Without Blame
The most important shift couples can make is to stop framing desire discrepancy as one person's problem and start approaching it as something that belongs to the relationship. This is not about assigning fault. It is about curiosity.
Some questions worth exploring together, ideally with the support of a therapist, but even in your own conversations:
• When did the discrepancy become noticeable, and what else was happening in the relationship at that time?
• Is the lower desire partner genuinely uninterested in sex, or uninterested in sex as it currently exists in the relationship? These are very different things.
• Is the higher desire partner seeking sex specifically, or connection, reassurance, or closeness that could be met in other ways?
• What does each partner need to feel safe enough to be genuinely present with the other?
Researchers have started to look at what couples actually do when their desire doesn't match. In a study of 229 people in long term relationships, the strategies people described fell into five groups: disengaging, communicating, doing something alone, doing something else together, and having sex anyway. Strategies that involved the partner, which included communicating, were associated with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction than strategies people used on their own (Vowels & Mark, 2020).
Many couples find the conversation hardest exactly when it matters most. That is not a failure of the relationship. It is a signal that the conversation needs a container: a safe, structured space where both partners can speak honestly and be heard without fear of rejection or escalation.
Practical tools for the conversation
A mismatch in desire is rarely only about frequency, and how the conversation begins often decides how it ends. My guide, 13 Golden Rules for Talking About Intimacy and Desire, sets out thirteen principles for these conversations. They include talking about what you enjoy and want and not what is not working, treating no as a safe answer, and responding to your partner with curiosity and thanks. Reflection pages let you work through each one alone or together.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Desire discrepancy is one of the most common presenting issues in couples therapy, and it is one that many couples make real progress with. Therapy doesn't aim to make both partners want sex at the same frequency. That's rarely a realistic or necessary goal. What it does is help couples understand what's driving the discrepancy, disrupt the patterns that have built up around it, and find new ways of relating to each other physically and emotionally.
In my work with couples, I find that desire differences are rarely just about sex. They are often expressions of something deeper: unmet emotional needs, unspoken resentments, differences in how partners understand intimacy and connection, or the accumulated weight of a dynamic that neither person knows how to name. When couples can slow down and look at what's underneath, the conversation about desire often becomes much more navigable.
Approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method are widely used with desire and intimacy challenges. Research on couple therapy in general is encouraging, with a review concluding that it helps around 70 per cent of couples who receive it and naming EFT as one of the approaches with promising evidence (Lebow et al., 2012). EFT focuses on the emotional bonds between partners, which is why many therapists find it useful for understanding the attachment needs that sit underneath a couple's sexual dynamic. The research on using it specifically for desire discrepancy is still limited.
It's also worth saying clearly: you don't have to be in crisis to come to therapy. Many couples come to address desire differences before they've become a source of serious conflict, as a way of investing in the relationship, building better communication, and staying connected through the inevitable shifts that long term intimacy brings.
A Note for LGBTQ+ and Diverse Relationships
Desire discrepancy exists in all kinds of relationships: same sex couples, non binary partnerships, polyamorous and ethically non monogamous relationships, and relationships across all ages and life stages. The research base, while growing, has historically focused on heterosexual couples, and many of the assumptions embedded in mainstream conversations about desire don't translate well to diverse relationship structures.
In my practice, I work with LGBTQ+ couples, people in ethically non monogamous relationships, and those navigating sexual identity within their partnership. The conversations look different, the dynamics are different, and the therapy needs to reflect that. If you're looking for a therapist who understands your relationship on its own terms, that matters.
The Bottom Line
Desire discrepancy is one of the most common and most misunderstood challenges in long term relationships. It is not a sign that your relationship is failing, that you don't love your partner, or that something is fundamentally wrong with either of you. It is a signal worth listening to. One that, approached with honesty and curiosity, can open up conversations that bring you closer rather than further apart. If you've been carrying this quietly, you don't have to keep carrying it alone.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, specialising in couples and relationship therapy across London. He works with couples navigating desire and intimacy challenges, communication breakdown, trust repair, and diverse relationship structures including LGBTQ+ partnerships and ethically non-monogamous relationships. Mark works from private therapy rooms in Kensington, Pimlico and Angel.
He holds a BA (Hons) in Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy and is a Accredited Member of the BACP (No. 405397) and an Accredited Relationship Therapist with the NCPS (NCPS495).
If you're navigating desire differences in your relationship, Mark offers a free 30-minute introductory consultation. Sessions are available in person at Kensington, Pimlico and Angel.
References
Bridges, S. K., & Horne, S. G. (2007). Sexual satisfaction and desire discrepancy in same sex women's relationships. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 33(1), 41 to 53.
Day, L. C., Muise, A., Joel, S., & Impett, E. A. (2015). To do it or not to do it? How communally motivated people navigate sexual interdependence dilemmas. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41(6), 791 to 804.
Dewitte, M., Carvalho, J., Corona, G., Limoncin, E., Pascoal, P., Reisman, Y., & Štulhofer, A. (2020). Sexual desire discrepancy: A position statement of the European Society for Sexual Medicine. Sexual Medicine, 8(2), 121 to 131.
Graham, C. A., Mercer, C. H., Tanton, C., Jones, K. G., Johnson, A. M., Wellings, K., & Mitchell, K. R. (2017). Factors associated with reporting lacking interest in sex and their interaction with gender: Findings from the third British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles. BMJ Open, 7(9), e016942.
Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145 to 168.
Mark, K. P. (2015). Sexual desire discrepancy. Current Sexual Health Reports, 7, 198 to 202.
Mark, K. P., & Murray, S. H. (2012). Gender differences in desire discrepancy as a predictor of sexual and relationship satisfaction in a college sample of heterosexual romantic relationships. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 38, 198 to 215.
Vowels, L. M., & Mark, K. P. (2020). Strategies for mitigating sexual desire discrepancy in relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(3), 1017 to 1028.
