By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, couples and relationship therapy in London
There is a silence that exists in many long term relationships. Not the comfortable kind that settles between two people who know each other well, but the kind that forms around sex. Around what you want but haven't said. What you've stopped asking for. What you hope your partner might offer but are too uncertain to request.
Most people find it easier to talk about almost anything else.
The gap between what we want and what we actually say is common, and in my experience the cost of that gap, to intimacy, connection and sexual satisfaction, is real. Research on couples points the same way, and I set out what it shows below.
This post is about closing the gap. Not with a script or a formula, but with a genuine understanding of why these conversations feel so hard, what makes them go well, and how to begin.
In brief
Talking about sex feels risky because it exposes desire. That is normal, and the fear is usually worse than the conversation.
Research links better sexual communication with greater sexual and relationship satisfaction. It shows associations, so it does not prove that talking causes better sex.
The quality of the conversation seems to matter more than how often you have it.
Start small, choose a calm moment, lead with curiosity, and invite your partner in.
If it feels too hard to do alone, therapy can help, and you do not need to be in crisis.
Why Talking About Sex Feels So Difficult
Sexual communication is uniquely vulnerable. Unlike other conversations in a relationship, talking about sex requires revealing something deeply personal: what your body wants, what your mind imagines, what has been missing or what you are afraid to ask for. It exposes not just preference but desire, and desire feels risky to name out loud.
Several things compound this difficulty. Many of us grew up in households or cultures where sex was simply not discussed, so the language for it feels unfamiliar, almost borrowed. There is a widespread cultural myth that good sex should be spontaneous and instinctive, which makes asking for what you want feel clinical or unromantic, as though naming something destroys it.
There is also fear. Fear of rejection, of judgement, of changing how your partner sees you. Fear that wanting something different implies something is wrong with what you have been doing. Fear that the conversation, once started, will open something that cannot be closed.
These fears are understandable. In my experience they are also, in most cases, significantly worse than the conversation itself. If you want to read more about why it is so hard, I have written about why it is so difficult to talk about sex and desire.
What the Research Tells Us
Research on sexual communication points in a consistent direction, though it mostly shows associations and not proof that talking causes better sex.
The overall picture
A meta analysis of 48 studies found that couples' sexual communication was positively associated with several aspects of sexual function: desire (r = .16), arousal (r = .21), orgasm (r = .23), erectile function (r = .19) and overall sexual function (r = .35). The associations for desire and orgasm were larger for women than for men (Mallory et al., 2019). These are small to moderate associations, and they describe averages across many studies and not any one couple.
A later meta analysis of 93 studies, covering 38,499 people in current relationships, found that sexual communication was positively associated with both relationship satisfaction (r = .37) and sexual satisfaction (r = .43). The quality of sexual communication mattered more than how often couples talked. For quality, the associations were r = .43 with relationship satisfaction and r = .52 with sexual satisfaction, compared with r = .31 for both when measuring frequency (Mallory, 2022).
Day to day, and between partners
A study of 81 couples, most of them mixed sex, combined a survey with a 21 day daily diary. It found that, within each partner and across partners, greater perceived quality of sexual communication was associated with higher average daily sexual satisfaction on the days people had sex, and with less variability in how satisfying sex was from day to day. In other words, how one partner perceives the communication in the relationship was linked with both partners' satisfaction (Bibby & Davila, 2024).
Desire differences, and the wider picture of intimacy
Sexual communication has also been linked with desire differences. In a survey of 369 people in romantic relationships, better quality sexual communication was associated with lower perceived desire discrepancy, partly through higher sexual satisfaction (Galizia et al., 2023). This was a single survey at one point in time, so it cannot show that the communication caused the difference. If this is your situation, I have written about desire discrepancy and about why couples stop having sex, and if you wonder whether your situation is common, is our sex life normal?
Intimacy matters here too. A study of 211 couples, 75 of them sexually diverse, followed partners with a daily diary over 35 days and again 12 months later. Intimacy, meaning a process of self disclosure and empathic response, was related on a given day to greater attention to positive sexual cues, which in turn was associated with greater sexual desire and satisfaction and lower sexual distress, for both partners. Over 12 months, a person's greater daily intimacy was linked with their own greater desire and satisfaction through their own positive sexual cues, but not with their partner's (Bergeron et al., 2024). I read this as a reason to treat conversation about sex as part of a wider habit of closeness, and not as a one off.
What I take from all of this
Taken together, the research suggests that couples who talk well about sex tend to be more satisfied, both sexually and in their relationship, and that closeness in ordinary life goes with sexual wellbeing. That fits what I see in the room, and it is why I encourage the conversation, even when it feels awkward.
How to Start the Conversation
There is no single right way to begin, but there are approaches that tend to go better than others.
Choose the right moment
A conversation about sex rarely goes well in the middle of sex, or immediately after something has gone wrong. The pressure of the moment makes it hard to be thoughtful and harder to be heard. Better to find a calm, private time when you are both relaxed and not distracted. A walk, a quiet evening at home, or even a deliberate conversation over dinner can work. The framing matters. 'I'd like to talk about something personal' is less likely to prompt defensiveness than beginning mid argument. If conversations tend to turn into arguments, how to stop arguing with your partner is a good companion to this piece.
Lead with curiosity rather than complaint
The most productive sexual conversations start from a place of openness rather than criticism. Rather than 'you never do this' or 'I wish you would stop that,' try 'I've been thinking about what I really enjoy' or 'I'd love to know more about what feels good for you.' This shifts the conversation from something being wrong to something being explored, which is far less threatening for both people.
Use 'I' statements
This is familiar advice in therapy for good reason. 'I feel' and 'I want' and 'I notice' keep the focus on your own experience rather than on your partner's behaviour, which tends to reduce defensiveness and increase the chance of genuine connection. 'I've been curious about trying something different' lands very differently to 'you always do the same thing.'
Start small
You do not need to say everything at once. Beginning with something relatively low stakes, a small preference, a gentle expression of curiosity, builds trust and shows your partner that these conversations can go well. It creates a foundation for deeper disclosures over time. In my experience, couples who talk about sex regularly find it progressively easier, not harder.
Invite reciprocity
A conversation about sex should feel like a dialogue. After sharing something of your own, create genuine space for your partner to respond and to share something themselves. 'What about you? Is there anything you've been wanting to explore?' signals that this is not a one way request but a shared inquiry. It makes the conversation feel less exposing for both of you.
If it goes badly
Not every first conversation goes well, and that is common. If your partner goes quiet or gets defensive, you do not have to push on. You can say, 'I can see this is hard to talk about, and I would like us to come back to it.' Then do come back to it. In my experience a conversation that is paused kindly often goes better the second time. If it keeps going wrong, repairing after a fight may help, and so may the first two years after a baby if there is a new child in the picture.
Couples who talk well about sex tend to be more satisfied, in and out of the bedroom.
Exploring Sexuality Together
Beyond the initial conversation, there is the broader question of how couples can explore their sexuality as a shared, ongoing project rather than something that simply happens, or stops happening, between them.
Develop a shared language
Many couples lack a comfortable vocabulary for sex that feels natural rather than clinical or performative. Developing your own shared language, whatever words and references feel right for you both, reduces friction and makes ongoing conversations easier. This might happen gradually, through moments of humour or play as much as through serious discussion.
Use structured prompts
Some couples find it easier to start with a structure. 'Yes, No, Maybe' lists, where both partners independently note what they are open to, interested in or not interested in, can be a low pressure way to surface preferences without the vulnerability of direct verbal disclosure. Comparing lists creates natural openings for conversation and removes the guesswork.
Create rituals of connection
The research on intimacy suggests that closeness in everyday life and sexual wellbeing go together (Bergeron et al., 2024). In my experience, physical and emotional intimacy are not separate things. A culture of small physical connection, holding hands, touching in passing, sitting close, maintains the relational temperature that makes sexual intimacy feel natural rather than effortful. If body image gets in the way, I have written about how body image shapes intimacy, and if holidays are where it all falls flat, there is a piece on why sex on holiday doesn't always live up to expectations.
Revisit the conversation regularly
Desire changes. What you wanted three years ago may not be what you want now. People change, relationships change, life changes. Building in space for ongoing conversation, not just a single defining discussion, normalises sexuality as something that evolves rather than something that should stay fixed. This is particularly important in long relationships where assumptions can quietly replace communication.
A structured way to begin
If you would like more than one article can offer, my guide, 13 Golden Rules for Talking About Intimacy and Desire, goes further. It gives you thirteen principles to work through, from owning your needs to making time for intimacy, with reflection pages to write on. A structure can make the first conversation easier, and you can use it on your own before sharing anything.
When It Feels Too Hard to Do Alone
For many couples, the barrier to sexual communication is not a lack of willingness but a lack of safety. Old hurts, patterns of disconnection, or simply years of not talking about it can make starting feel impossible. One person may feel more comfortable with openness than the other. The fear of rejection, or of hurting a partner, can make even a gentle opening feel too risky.
This is where therapy can make a meaningful difference.
In couples therapy, sexual communication is not an awkward detour from the real work. In my experience it is often the real work. A good couples therapist creates a space where both partners can speak honestly about what they want and need, with someone present to hold the conversation when it gets difficult, to notice patterns and to help both people feel heard.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) focuses on the emotional cycles that drive couples' behaviour. A review of the research concluded that it meets or exceeds the guidelines for classification as an evidence based couple therapy (Wiebe & Johnson, 2016). That evidence concerns couple distress in general and not sexual communication specifically, so I would not claim more for it than that. More broadly, a review of a decade of couple therapy research concluded that it positively affects about 70 per cent of the couples who receive it (Lebow et al., 2012). In a study of 108 couples seeking therapy at a clinic in Montréal, lack of physical affection or sex was among the most common problems couples reported, alongside communication and emotional distance (Boisvert et al., 2011), so if sex is on your mind, you would not be alone in bringing it to therapy.
Therapy also offers something that self help cannot: a relationship with a trained professional who can notice what is happening between you, not just what you report. The relational dynamic in the room is itself a source of insight.
It is worth saying clearly: you do not need to be in crisis to come to therapy. Many couples come specifically to improve communication around intimacy and sexuality, as an investment in the relationship rather than a repair of something broken. If you are deciding whether it is the right time, I have written about when to go to couples therapy and about how to choose a couples therapist in London.
A Note on Diverse Relationships
Everything above applies equally to same sex couples, bisexual partnerships, non binary relationships, and those in ethically non monogamous or polyamorous structures. Much of the research cited here has been done with mixed sex couples, so it is worth being cautious about how far its figures describe your relationship. There is some research that looks at same sex couples. In a study of 103 male couples who completed a survey and then a daily survey for 15 consecutive days, the presence and quality of sexual communication had positive effects on a person's own relationship satisfaction, emotional intimacy and daily mood, and the presence of sexual communication was also linked with their partner's emotional intimacy (Chen et al., 2025). That study was of male couples only, so I cannot point to the same kind of evidence for lesbian, bisexual, trans or non binary partners, though the 211 couple intimacy study above included 75 sexually diverse couples (Bergeron et al., 2024). In my experience, couples who navigate multiple relationships often develop strong communication habits as a matter of necessity, habits that any relationship could benefit from. If you are a woman in a relationship with another woman, I have written about the myth of lesbian bed death.
If you are in a relationship structure that falls outside the conventional, finding a therapist who understands your context without pathologising it matters. There should be no assumption that monogamy is the goal, or that any particular relationship structure is the problem.
The Bottom Line
Talking to your partner about sex is one of the most intimate and courageous things you can do in a relationship. The research suggests it is also associated with greater satisfaction.
You do not need to get it perfectly right the first time. You do not need a complete vocabulary or a fully formed sense of what you want. You just need to begin, somewhere, somehow, with enough honesty to create an opening.
In my experience, most people find that their partner, given the chance, is far more receptive than they feared. Most conversations about desire, approached with care, bring couples closer rather than pushing them apart.
If you are not sure where to start, that is what therapy is for.
About the Author
Mark Ryan
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist specialising in couples and relationship therapy across London. He works with couples navigating desire differences, intimacy challenges, sexual communication and diverse relationship structures, including LGBTQ+ partnerships and ethically non-monogamous relationships. His practice is sex-positive and kink-aware, offering a genuinely non-judgemental space for all couples. Mark works from private therapy rooms in Kensington, Pimlico and Angel, Islington.
He holds a BA (Hons) in Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy and is Accredited with the BACP (Accredited Member 405397) and the NCPS (Accredited Relationship Therapist NCPS495).
References
Bergeron, S., Vaillancourt Morel, M. P., Péloquin, K., & Rosen, N. O. (2024). Intimacy promotes couples' sexual well being on a daily basis and over one year: The role of positive sexual cues. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 53(7), 2737 to 2749.
Bibby, E. S., & Davila, J. (2024). A dyadic assessment of the association between sexual communication and daily sexual satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 41(4), 952 to 970.
Boisvert, M., Wright, J., Tremblay, N., & McDuff, P. (2011). Couples' reports of relationship problems in a naturalistic therapy setting. The Family Journal, 19(4), 362 to 368.
Chen, T., Dai, M., Calabrese, C., & Merrill, K. (2025). Dyadic and longitudinal influences of sexual communication on relationship satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and daily affect among same sex male couples. Health Communication, 40(7), 1352 to 1362.
Galizia, R., Theodorou, A., Simonelli, C., Lai, C., & Nimbi, F. M. (2023). Sexual satisfaction mediates the effects of the quality of dyadic sexual communication on the degree of perceived sexual desire discrepancy. Healthcare, 11(5), 648.
Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145 to 168.
Mallory, A. B. (2022). Dimensions of couples' sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction: A meta analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(3), 358 to 371.
Mallory, A. B., Stanton, A. M., & Handy, A. B. (2019). Couples' sexual communication and dimensions of sexual function: A meta analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 56(7), 882 to 898.
Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390 to 407.
