Why Do Couples Stop Having Sex? Understanding Low Libido in Relationships
By Mark Ryan, Integrative Psychotherapist and Registered Relationship Therapist
Introduction
Couples rarely come to therapy saying directly that they have stopped having sex. More often, the concern appears in a less explicit form. Something feels different. There is less closeness than there used to be. The relationship feels flatter, or more functional than connected. Conversations may still happen, but they carry less depth. Physical intimacy becomes less frequent, sometimes gradually enough that it is difficult to identify when the shift began.
Over time, sex can become one of the areas that feels most difficult to approach. Not because it is unimportant, but because it has become emotionally charged. Initiating can feel risky. Declining can feel rejecting. Avoiding the conversation often becomes the path of least resistance.
Many couples carry a quiet question alongside this experience: whether what they are going through is normal. That question, while simple on the surface, often reflects a deeper uncertainty about what their relationship has become. If that resonates, it can be helpful to begin there. I explore this further in Is Our Sex Life Normal?, particularly how couples interpret change and what those interpretations mean for how they relate to one another.
Low libido in relationships is common. It is also rarely about libido in isolation. Understanding why couples stop having sex requires looking beyond behaviour and into the emotional and relational processes that shape intimacy over time.
Sexual Desire Is Not Fixed
One of the more unhelpful assumptions couples bring into this area is that sexual desire is a stable trait. One partner is understood as having a higher libido, the other a lower one, and the task becomes managing that difference. While this framing is common, it is also limiting.
Research suggests that sexual desire is highly responsive to context. It shifts in response to relational dynamics, emotional connection, stress, and the perceived quality of the relationship. Differences in desire are associated with relationship satisfaction, but not simply because those differences exist. The way couples understand and respond to them is often more important (Mark & Murray, 2012).
This becomes particularly relevant in long-term relationships, where desire is less driven by novelty and more by emotional conditions. Studies examining partner responsiveness have shown that feeling understood, valued, and emotionally connected is strongly associated with the experience of sexual desire (Birnbaum et al., 2016). In other words, desire is not simply something one partner has or does not have. It is something that emerges within a relational context.
This shifts the question from “why has libido decreased?” to “what has changed in the conditions that support desire?”
When Differences Become Patterns
Most couples will experience differences in sexual desire at some point. These differences, in themselves, are not inherently problematic. What tends to create difficulty is the pattern that develops around them.
A common dynamic is that one partner begins to move toward the other in an effort to maintain or restore intimacy. The other partner begins to move away, not necessarily out of disinterest, but because they feel pressured, uncertain, or unable to meet expectations. Over time, these positions can become more fixed.
The pursuing partner may experience rejection and begin to escalate their attempts to connect. The withdrawing partner may experience pressure and begin to disengage further. What began as a difference becomes a cycle.
This dynamic often leads to a narrowing of interpretation. The partner who wants more intimacy may begin to see the other as uninterested or avoidant. The partner who wants less may begin to see the other as demanding or difficult to satisfy. Both perspectives contain elements of truth, but neither captures the full pattern.
I explore this in more detail in When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match, particularly how these cycles form and why they are often sustained unintentionally by both partners.
What is important here is not simply recognising that a difference exists but understanding how each partner is responding to it and what those responses are trying to achieve.
Most couples will experience differences in sexual desire at some point.
Emotional Intimacy and Desire
In long-term relationships, sexual desire is closely linked to emotional intimacy. This does not mean that desire is purely emotional, but that the emotional climate of the relationship plays a significant role in shaping it.
When partners feel emotionally connected, understood, and safe with one another, desire tends to emerge more naturally. When that connection becomes strained, desire often changes in response. This is not necessarily a conscious process. It is often experienced as a gradual reduction in interest or motivation.
Research supports this connection. Perceived partner responsiveness—feeling that one’s partner is attentive, understanding, and emotionally available—has been shown to increase sexual desire, particularly in established relationships (Birnbaum et al., 2016).
This helps explain why attempts to address low libido directly can feel ineffective. If the underlying relational conditions are not in place, focusing on increasing frequency can feel forced. In contrast, when emotional connection improves, sexual intimacy often begins to shift without needing to be addressed separately.
The Silence Around Sex
A consistent feature in many relationships where sex has declined is the absence of conversation about it. This silence rarely appears suddenly. More often, it develops gradually through a series of small experiences that become difficult to revisit.
An attempt to initiate that does not go well. A conversation that feels awkward or unresolved. A sense that raising the topic may create tension rather than reduce it. Over time, both partners adapt. One may stop initiating. The other may stop explaining.
The absence of conversation creates space for assumption. One partner may interpret the lack of sex as rejection. The other may interpret the lack of initiation as relief from pressure. Neither interpretation is necessarily voiced, but both shape how each partner experiences the relationship.
Research on sexual communication highlights how openness in discussing sexual needs and preferences is associated with greater sexual and relationship satisfaction (MacNeil & Byers, 2009; Mallory et al., 2019). When communication reduces, misunderstanding tends to increase.
Reintroducing these conversations is often a key part of the work. This does not mean forcing difficult discussions prematurely but creating conditions where they can begin to feel possible again. I explore this further in How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, particularly how couples move from avoidance to more constructive dialogue.
Withdrawal as Protection
In some relationships, reduced sexual connection is part of a broader pattern of withdrawal. One partner may become less emotionally available over time, leading to a reduction not only in sexual intimacy but in engagement more generally.
This is often experienced by the other partner as disinterest or rejection. However, withdrawal is frequently linked to attempts to manage emotional discomfort. When individuals feel unable to meet their partner’s expectations, or when closeness feels associated with tension or failure, stepping back can feel safer than engaging.
Research examining responsiveness in intimate relationships suggests that when individuals perceive themselves as unable to meet their partner’s needs, they may disengage as a way of reducing pressure or protecting the relationship from further strain (Vowels et al., 2022).
Understanding withdrawal in this way does not minimise its impact, but it changes how it is approached. Rather than being seen purely as rejection, it can be understood as a response that developed for a reason.
This pattern is not limited to sex, but it often becomes particularly visible there. I explore this more broadly in Stonewalling and Emotional Shutdown, including how withdrawal develops and how couples begin to work with it.
When Intimacy Becomes Pressurised
Another shift that often occurs is the movement from connection to pressure. When one partner feels responsible for maintaining intimacy, sex can begin to feel like something that must be managed rather than something that emerges naturally.
Pressure, even when unspoken, tends to reduce desire rather than increase it. The partner who feels pursued may begin to associate intimacy with expectation or obligation. The partner who pursues may feel increasingly rejected, reinforcing the original concern.
Over time, both partners can become stuck in positions that feel difficult to change. One feels unwanted. The other feels unable to meet expectations. The relational space that once supported intimacy becomes harder to access.
Understanding this shift is important because it reframes the issue. The difficulty is not simply about how often sex happens, but about what sex has come to represent within the relationship.
Timing and Intervention
Couples often seek support at a point where patterns have become well established. By the time therapy begins, the absence of intimacy may have been present for some time, accompanied by layers of frustration, disappointment, or resignation.
Earlier intervention does not necessarily make the process easy, but it often allows for more flexibility. There is typically more goodwill, fewer fixed interpretations, and a greater capacity to approach the relationship with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
When couples begin to explore what is happening between them, rather than focusing immediately on solutions, the work tends to shift. The question becomes less about fixing a problem and more about understanding a pattern.
The Bottom Line
Couples rarely stop having sex for a single reason. More often, it reflects a combination of emotional, relational, and communicative dynamics that have developed over time.
Low libido is not simply a problem to be solved. It is often a signal—one that points toward how partners are relating to one another more broadly.
When those underlying dynamics are understood, the question changes. Instead of asking how to increase desire directly, couples begin to explore what makes intimacy possible in the first place. From there, change becomes more achievable and more sustainable.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Registered Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist specialising in couples and relationship therapy in London. He works with individuals and couples navigating communication breakdown, trust repair, intimacy difficulties, and major relationship decisions. His approach is integrative, grounded in a person-centred foundation and informed by attachment theory, psychodynamic thinking, and contemporary couples therapy models. He has a particular focus on diversity, offering a space that is both affirming and clinically rigorous. Mark practices in person from private therapy rooms in Pimlico, Kensington, and Angel.
References
Mark, K. P., & Murray, S. H. (2012). Gender differences in desire discrepancy as a predictor of sexual and relationship satisfaction. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22390532/
Birnbaum, G. E., et al. (2016). Intimately connected: Partner responsiveness and sexual desire. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27399250/
MacNeil, S., & Byers, E. S. (2009). Sexual communication and satisfaction. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19012061/
Mallory, A. B., et al. (2019). Sexual communication and sexual function. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6699928/
Vowels, L. M., et al. (2022). Partner responsiveness to sexual needs. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9663368/
