The Four Communication Styles That Harm Relationships — and How to Change Them
Most couples I meet don’t struggle because they lack love — they struggle because, over time, their way of communicating starts to chip away at the sense of safety that love needs to thrive.
It’s rarely the big arguments that break connection, but the small, repetitive ways partners respond to each other: the sighs, the eye rolls, the sharp tone, or the quiet retreat. These moments accumulate and begin to redefine how safe we feel in the relationship.
If communication is the heartbeat of connection, then understanding how it goes wrong — and how to repair it — is one of the most powerful steps we can take to strengthen a relationship.
Why Communication Matters More Than Content
When couples argue, they often think they’re fighting about money, sex, time, or chores. But what they’re really fighting about is emotional safety.
The question beneath most conflict is simple:
“Do I still matter to you?”
“Can I trust you to hear me?”
When those questions go unanswered, the nervous system shifts into protection mode. Partners either fight harder (pursue) or shut down (withdraw).
In therapy, my goal isn’t to stop couples from arguing — it’s to help them fight better: to express needs, fears, and frustration without losing sight of the love that exists underneath.
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman spent decades studying thousands of couples to identify what makes relationships succeed or fail. His findings — now famously known as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” — describe four communication patterns that, when left unchecked, can erode trust and intimacy (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
These styles aren’t signs that a relationship is doomed. They’re signs that partners are trying to protect themselves from pain. And with awareness and practice, every one of them can be replaced by healthier ways of connecting.
1. Criticism — When Needs Turn into Attacks
Criticism often starts with good intentions: one partner wants change or understanding. But instead of expressing a need, they express a blame.
“You never help around the house.”
“You’re always on your phone.”
Criticism attacks the person’s character rather than addressing behaviour. Over time, it tells your partner: You’re not good enough for me.
The Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
Instead of pointing out flaws, express feelings and needs clearly.
“I feel overwhelmed when the house gets messy. Could we share the cleaning more evenly this week?”
Gentle start-ups lower defensiveness and signal that you’re on the same team. Gottman’s research shows that conversations tend to end the way they begin — so starting softly increases the chance of a constructive ending (Gottman, 1999).
In therapy, I often help couples reframe criticism into vulnerability. When someone says, “You don’t care,” what they often mean is “I miss feeling close to you.” That’s the voice that reconnects.
2. Defensiveness — The Reflex to Protect and Justify
When one partner feels accused, it’s natural to defend. We explain, justify, or counterattack. But defensiveness sends a subtle message: Your feelings aren’t valid.
“That’s not true — I did help last week!”
“You’re the one who’s always distracted, not me.”
While defensiveness is a form of self-protection, it prevents empathy from landing. Both people end up talking at each other, not with each other.
The Antidote: Taking Responsibility
Even if you disagree with the whole accusation, find a small piece of truth to acknowledge.
“You’re right, I have been distracted lately — I’ll try to be more present.”
Taking partial responsibility doesn’t mean admitting fault; it means prioritising connection over ego.
When one partner shifts from defence to curiosity, the whole tone of the relationship changes. The conversation moves from “Who’s right?” to “What’s happening between us?”
3. Contempt — When Frustration Turns into Disrespect
Contempt is the most toxic of the four communication styles. It’s the eyeroll, the sarcastic laugh, the mocking tone, or the subtle sense of superiority. It says: I’m above you.
Research shows contempt is the single biggest predictor of relationship breakdown (Gottman & Silver, 1999). It destroys the sense of mutual respect that intimacy depends on.
Contempt often builds over time when unaddressed resentments harden into judgments. It’s not just anger — it’s disgust.
The Antidote: Building Appreciation
The opposite of contempt is appreciation.
“I value how hard you work.”
“Thank you for listening, even when it’s hard for us to talk.”
In therapy, I encourage couples to make appreciation a daily ritual — not as a performance, but as a genuine practice.
When we notice what our partner is doing right, the emotional climate changes. We start to see each other as allies again.
It’s striking how quickly contempt dissolves when partners reconnect with gratitude and vulnerability. Behind most contempt is hurt that hasn’t yet been heard.
4. Stonewalling — When Overwhelm Becomes Withdrawal
Stonewalling happens when one partner emotionally shuts down to avoid further conflict. They may go quiet, look away, or leave the room.
It’s easy to mistake this for indifference, but it’s often a sign of physiological flooding — the nervous system has hit its limit (Gottman, 1999).
When I see stonewalling in therapy, I remind couples that it’s usually the body saying, I can’t take any more. Unfortunately, the partner left behind often interprets it as rejection, which can trigger more pursuit and escalation.
The Antidote: Self-Soothing and Re-Engaging
Taking a short break during conflict can be healthy — as long as it’s intentional.
“I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. Can we take 15 minutes and come back to this?”
During the break, calm your body — breathe, stretch, walk, or journal — and then return to the conversation once you’re grounded.
The goal isn’t avoidance but regulation.
Secure couples know when to pause and when to return — and trust that the pause doesn’t mean abandonment.
When couples argue, they often think they’re fighting about money, sex, time, or chores. But what they’re really fighting about is emotional safety.
How These Patterns Create a Cycle
In most relationships, these four styles interact.
Criticism triggers defensiveness. Defensiveness fuels contempt. Contempt leads to stonewalling. And the silence that follows creates more loneliness — setting the stage for the cycle to begin again.
Understanding this pattern is a turning point. It allows couples to step outside the loop and name it:
“We’re in our cycle again. Can we try a reset?”
Therapy offers a structured space to break that pattern. Once couples see the cycle as the shared enemy — not each other — collaboration replaces blame.
How Therapy Helps Couples Relearn Safety
In my work with couples, communication issues are rarely just about words — they’re about emotional signals.
When we feel unsafe, we stop listening. When we feel heard, our nervous systems relax enough to truly connect.
Therapy helps couples:
Identify and interrupt destructive patterns in real time.
Learn to communicate emotions rather than accusations.
Rebuild trust through consistent, small repairs.
Develop shared emotional language — the foundation of intimacy.
I often tell couples: it’s not about never arguing again, it’s about arguing in a way that keeps you both emotionally safe. Conflict, when handled with empathy, can become a place of growth rather than harm.
Relearning How to Listen
One of the most healing skills in any relationship is listening to understand rather than listening to respond.
When we listen through defensiveness or fear, we’re already preparing our rebuttal. When we listen with curiosity, we start to see the world through our partner’s eyes.
A question I often invite couples to ask each other is:
“What are you most needing from me when we argue?”
That single question opens doors to empathy. It turns a moment of disconnection into an opportunity for understanding.
Repairing Communication in Real Life
Repairing communication isn’t about scripts or techniques — it’s about intention and emotional awareness.
Here are a few ways I encourage couples to practice change between sessions:
Catch Criticism Early – When you hear yourself saying “you always” or “you never,” pause and rephrase it as a feeling or request.
Slow Down Conflict – When tension rises, agree to take breaks before either person shuts down.
Practice Daily Appreciation – End the day by naming one thing you valued about your partner.
Use “We” Language – Instead of “you vs. me,” try “we’re stuck in this pattern.” It reminds both partners that the goal is connection, not victory.
These small shifts build a culture of emotional safety. Over time, couples begin to trust that conflict won’t destroy connection — and that repair is always possible.
Hope and Change
The truth is, no couple communicates perfectly. We all have moments when stress, exhaustion, or fear get the better of us. What matters most isn’t avoiding missteps, but learning how to come back together afterward.
When couples start recognising criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling for what they are — signs of disconnection rather than proof of incompatibility — everything begins to soften.
The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict; it’s to create a relationship sturdy enough to hold it.
Communication is the pathway back to love — and with awareness, compassion, and practice, it’s a skill any couple can learn.
About Me
I’m Mark Ryan, a relationship therapist and founder of Rise & Grow Therapy.
I help couples strengthen connection, rebuild trust, and communicate more openly through emotionally focused and integrative therapy.
I work exclusively in person from my London practices in Pimlico, Kensington, and Angel, offering a space where growth and reconnection can take root.
If you’d like to explore how communication patterns are shaping your relationship, you can learn more or book a consultation via Rise & Grow Therapy
References
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little, Brown.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
Tatkin, S. (2018). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
