By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
How do you talk to your partner about opening up your relationship? One of you has mentioned it, or both of you have been circling it for a while. Perhaps you have wondered what it would be like to open up your relationship, and you do not know how to bring it up without it landing as a threat. Perhaps you have already talked, and the conversation went well for ten minutes and then stalled. Thinking about consensual non monogamy is not a sign that something is wrong, and it is not a sign that everything is fine. It is a significant decision, and it deserves a conversation that is slower and more careful than the one you can have between work and dinner. This article looks at what couples need to work out, what the research can and cannot tell us, and how a single, prepared therapy session may help the two of you think it through.
Article Summary
Wanting to talk about opening up a relationship is common, and the reasons behind it vary a great deal.
The most useful early work is often not deciding yes or no. It is understanding what each of you wants, what each of you fears and what you would need in order to feel safe.
Research on sexual agreements, mostly with male couples, suggests that partners can differ about what they have agreed, which is a reason to be explicit.
Single Session Therapy is built around one question and gives you both a prepared, structured space to explore it. It does not push you towards opening up or away from it.
I could not find controlled studies of single session therapy with couples, so I offer it as a considered approach and not a proven one.
When Opening Up Comes Up
People raise the idea for many different reasons. Some have always felt that monogamy is not quite right for them. Some are curious after meeting someone, or after reading or talking to friends. Some want more variety or more connection, and some are trying to repair something that has gone flat. Sometimes one partner is eager and the other is willing but unsure. Sometimes both are curious but nervous. Sometimes the idea has come after a betrayal, and that deserves particular care.
None of these starting points tells us how it will turn out. Consensual non monogamy takes many forms, including open relationships, swinging and polyamory, and some couples find that it works well for them while others find it does not. What matters is that each of you chooses it freely, and that you understand what you are choosing.
Joint sessions are for two people. This applies to every kind of couple, whatever your genders or your sexuality. It also applies if you are already part of a community where non monogamy is normal and you are making a decision about your own relationship, and not whether the idea is acceptable in principle.
How to Raise It Without It Landing as a Threat
If you are the one who wants to talk about it, how you bring it up shapes what comes back. Here are some ideas that many people find useful.
Choose a calm time and say what you are curious about, not what you have already decided.
Say that you are not asking for an answer straight away. Give your partner time, and ask when they would like to talk again.
Be clear that this is about wanting to explore something, and not a complaint about your partner or a sign that you want to leave.
Listen to the reaction without trying to fix it. Fear, hurt, curiosity and relief can all arrive at once, and none of them is wrong.
Ask what your partner would need to feel safe, and take the answer seriously, including a no or a not yet.
If you are the one who has been asked, you are allowed to take your time, to ask questions and to say that you need to think. A yes that comes from pressure is not a yes you can stand behind later.
What Often Gets Missed
When couples talk about opening up, the conversation often jumps straight to rules. How many partners, how often, who, where, and what we tell each other. Rules matter, but they tend to work better when they rest on something more basic.
Here are some questions that sit underneath the rules.
What is each of us hoping for? Is it more sex, more novelty, more freedom, more connection, or something else?
What is each of us afraid of? Jealousy, being replaced, losing closeness, other people finding out, or something more specific?
What is already hard between us? Some couples hope that opening up will solve a problem, and others worry it will make an existing problem worse.
How equal is this? Is one person leading and the other following, and if so, is that all right with both of you?
What would a no look like? Can either of you say no, or not yet, and have it heard?
Those questions are easy to ask and surprisingly hard to answer openly with a partner you love. That is partly what preparation, and a neutral third person, can help with.
What the Research Says About Sexual Agreements
Research on opening up as a decision is limited. Most studies look at couples who have already made an agreement. They are useful, but they cannot tell you whether you should open up. What they do offer is some insight into what agreements look like and where couples can go wrong.
One qualitative study interviewed 39 gay male couples about their sexual agreements. It found a wide range of agreements that sat on a continuum and not in neat categories. Among couples with open agreements, most had rules or conditions about when, where, how often and with whom outside sex was allowed. Most couples had agreements that matched, though a small number reported discrepancies. The authors concluded that agreements gave many couples boundaries for the relationship, supported a non heteronormative identity and met the couple's sexual needs (Hoff and Beougher, 2010).
A larger study collected data from 361 male couples across the United States. In about half of the couples, 207 of them, the partners concurred about having an agreement. Among those couples, 58 per cent concurred about whether they had discussed it explicitly, and 84 per cent concurred about the type of agreement. The author concluded that couples need to be more explicit and detailed when they make and communicate their agreements (Mitchell, 2014). That study was cross sectional and used a convenience sample recruited online, so it describes a snapshot and cannot say how typical these couples are.
A third study looked at 56 consensually non monogamous partnerships, 112 people in all. It found that having self determined reasons for sex, which I take to mean reasons that feel like your own and not pressured or obligatory, was linked to greater sexual satisfaction and to sexual needs being met. This was a small study that combined a cross sectional survey with daily diaries, so it shows associations and cannot show cause (Wood et al., 2021).
These studies have clear limits. Two of them concern male couples, and research in this area has been partly motivated by HIV prevention. They do not tell us about lesbian, bisexual, trans or heterosexual couples, or about couples at the decision stage. The focus on male couples reflects who has been studied, not who opens a relationship, and couples of any orientation may be monogamous or non monogamous. They do not show that opening up improves or harms a relationship. What they do support, with appropriate caution, is a practical point. Partners can leave a conversation with different understandings of what was agreed, and being explicit may help. In the one study of non monogamous partners, reasons that felt like their own were linked with better sexual satisfaction.
Wanting to talk about opening up a relationship is common, and the reasons behind it vary a great deal.
How a Single Session Can Help With This Question
A single session is one 110 minute meeting, prepared for in advance. When you book, each of you receives your own workbook. You complete it separately and email it to me at least 72 hours before the session. It asks why you are coming now, what you hope for, what worries you and what you have already tried. It also asks some wellbeing and safety questions. For a topic like this one, it gives each of you a place to put your thoughts in your own words before the session, with the sharing caveat below.
I read both workbooks before we meet. I do not share one partner's workbook with the other, but I cannot keep from your partner anything that is relevant to the work we are doing together, so please think about what you include, and speak to me first if you are unsure. Please do not write about abuse in a workbook that may be shared.
The session itself is a rough shape and not a script. We settle and agree on the one question that matters most. We then spend a good part of the time exploring what is happening, what has been tried and what each of you wants. After a short break we build on what is already working and look for what could be different, and we end by making things practical, with a small first step. My role is not to decide who is right. I am not trying to persuade you to open up, and I am not trying to talk you out of it. I help the two of you understand what is happening between you, and find a way forward that each of you can stand behind.
For this question, a way forward might be any of the following.
A clearer shared picture of what each of you wants and fears, and a decision to go ahead, with a plan for how.
A decision not to open up, because you now understand what you are looking for.
A decision to wait, with something specific to explore in the meantime.
A realisation that something else needs attention first, such as trust, closeness or desire, and that a longer course of couples therapy would be useful.
Afterwards I send you both a written reflection within five working days, with a follow up workbook for you to use together at home. Change can show up over the following days and weeks. You can also choose a 50 minute follow up session, ideally four to six weeks later.
What a Single Session Cannot Do
It cannot guarantee that opening up will work, or that not opening up will settle things. It will not make a decision for you. It also cannot do the long work of supporting a relationship that is already open and struggling. If that is where you are, jealousy in non monogamous relationships may be helpful, and longer term therapy may suit you better.
If the idea of opening up has come out of an affair or a betrayal, a single session may not be the right format on its own. After betrayal sets out how couples can begin to rebuild trust, and I would suggest talking it through in the free consultation first.
I could not find controlled studies of single session therapy with couples. It does not follow that it cannot help, but it does mean that I offer it as a considered approach and not a proven one. The nearest research concerns individuals with low mood and anxiety, and it is limited (Kim et al., 2023). The pillar guide explains what it does and does not show. None of it concerns relationship decisions.
Who This May Suit, and Who It May Not
A single session may suit you in these situations.
You are both curious or open to talking about it, and you want a structured space to do so.
One of you has raised the idea and you would like to explore it without pressure on either side.
You want to understand what you are each looking for before you decide anything.
It may not be the right format in these situations.
One of you is being pressured, coerced or frightened, or you are afraid of how your partner would react. A joint session is not safe in these situations.
The relationship is in acute crisis, or either of you is thinking about harming yourself.
You are looking for a therapist to tell you whether to open up, or to persuade your partner.
If you are afraid of your partner, or worry about how they would react to what you write, please keep your safety first and keep any workbook private. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is on 0808 2000 247 and is free and open 24 hours a day. Men's Advice Line is on 0808 8010327, Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm. Galop supports LGBTQ+ people on 0800 999 5428, Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm, with later hours on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Samaritans are on 116 123, free and open 24 hours, and in an emergency you should call 999. If you are unsure about the difference between conflict and control, coercive control vs conflict may help.
Making the Most of the Session
A few ideas may help you arrive in a good place.
Use your workbook to say what you think, including your doubts. A few honest words are enough.
Agree on a question, even a rough one, such as what we each need to know in order to decide.
Come curious and not with a verdict. Either of you can say not yet.
Avoid big decisions or difficult conversations on the same day, and leave some space afterwards.
Remember that a no, or a not yet, is a valid answer, and that a yes means more when it is freely given.
If you want to read more first, opening a relationship, what to think about looks at the questions in more depth. If you are a gay couple thinking about this, gay open relationships may be useful, and open relationship vs polyamory explains the differences. To understand what single session therapy involves in general, there is a separate guide to what single session therapy is.
How Therapy Can Help
Opening up a relationship, or deciding not to, is a decision about trust, honesty and what you want your life together to look like. A skilled and neutral third person can slow the conversation down, help each of you be heard and bring order to something that can feel exciting and frightening at the same time. Whatever you decide, I want you both to make the choice freely and with your eyes open.
If you would like to talk about whether a single session is right for you, I offer a free 30 minute consultation, in person in London or online. I work with couples of all kinds, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in consensually non monogamous relationships, and you are welcome to ask any questions before you decide.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, and the founder of Rise and Grow Therapy, a private practice offering couples and relationship therapy across Kensington, Pimlico, and Angel, Islington in London, as well as online consultations. His approach draws first on Imago Relationship Therapy, alongside integrative relational, attachment based, Gottman, and systemic approaches. Mark works with couples of all kinds, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in non traditional relationship structures such as consensual non monogamy, as well as with individuals working through relational issues.
References
Hoff, C. C., & Beougher, S. C. (2010). Sexual agreements among gay male couples. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(3), 774 to 787. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-008-9393-2
Kim, J., Ryu, S., & Chibanda, D. (2023). The effectiveness of single session therapy for adults with common mental health problems: A systematic review. BMC Psychology, 11(1), 373. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-023-01410-0
Mitchell, J. W. (2014). Characteristics and allowed behaviors of gay male couples' sexual agreements. The Journal of Sex Research, 51(3), 316 to 328. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2012.727915
Wood, J., Quinn-Nilas, C., Milhausen, R., Desmarais, S., Muise, A., & Sakaluk, J. (2021). A dyadic examination of self determined sexual motives, need fulfillment, and relational outcomes among consensually non monogamous partners. PLoS ONE, 16(2), e0247001. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0247001
