By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
Should we stay together or break up? Some couples arrive at a question they cannot answer by talking at the kitchen table. Should we try again, or have we already tried enough? One of you may be leaning one way and the other the opposite way. Or you may both be unsure, going round the same conversation and ending up exactly where you began. Being stuck like this is exhausting, and it is common. This article looks at why the question is so hard to settle, what clarity can look like, and how a single, carefully prepared therapy session may help you and your partner see your situation more clearly, whichever way it points.
Article Summary
Not knowing whether to stay or try again is common, and it is not a sign that you are doing something wrong.
A single session is built around one question, with separate preparation from each of you and enough time to look at it together.
The aim is clarity and a next step you can each stand behind. It is not to keep you together, and it is not to push you apart.
Research suggests that couples with different levels of commitment are common in therapy, and none of the factors measured in a large analysis of 43 studies predicted whose relationship would improve.
I could not find controlled studies of single session therapy with couples, so I offer this as a considered therapeutic approach and not a proven one.
It is not suitable where there is abuse, violence or coercive control. Specialist help is listed below.
Should We Stay Together or Break Up? When You Cannot Tell
Ambivalence about a relationship is not a character flaw. It is what happens when love, hurt, habit, hope and fear all pull in different directions at once. You can care deeply about someone and feel exhausted by the relationship. You can want to leave and dread the idea of leaving. Many people feel they ought to know by now, and the pressure to know often makes thinking harder.
Sometimes the two of you are in the same place and sometimes you are not. Therapists sometimes use the term mixed agenda for couples where one partner is leaning towards ending the relationship and the other wants to work on it. A 2026 study analysed two existing data sets to see how common this is, defining mixed agenda couples as those with large differences in commitment and therapy goals. It found this pattern in about one in ten couples in a general sample, and in nearly four in ten couples in a sample of couples who were attending therapy. The couples were identified from existing data using the researchers' own classification, so the figures are estimates, but they do suggest that arriving at therapy with different levels of commitment is common and not unusual (Tang et al., 2026).
If that is your situation, it does not mean the relationship is doomed, and it does not mean it is safe. It means the two of you have a conversation to have that is hard to have alone.
Why It Is So Hard to Decide
Many people look for a rule. How many good days should there be? Is it a bad sign if we argue about money or sex? Does it matter who wants out? It would be a relief if research could give a checklist.
A large analysis in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences looked at 43 studies that followed 11,196 couples over time, to see which of many measured factors best predicted relationship quality. People's own judgments of the relationship, such as how satisfied and committed they felt and how appreciative they were of their partner, explained about 45 per cent of how satisfied they were at the time. The partner's judgments added little, and neither did personality traits. For anyone hoping for a prediction, none of the variables could tell the researchers whose relationship would improve and whose would get worse over time (Joel et al., 2020).
That study measured satisfaction and not decisions to stay or leave, so it cannot tell you what to do. It does not tell us what to do. It is a reminder that a list of facts about your situation may not settle the question, and that how each of you sees the relationship is worth saying aloud to someone who can help you hear each other.
What Clarity Can Look Like
Clarity does not have one shape, and I do not hold a view in advance about which outcome would be best for you. You might find yourselves in one of these places afterwards.
You each want to try again, and you now have a specific first step and a shared understanding of what would need to change.
You each feel certain that the relationship has run its course, and you want to end it with care and respect, perhaps with the support of a guide such as how to separate or divorce well.
You realise that you need longer term couples therapy to work out what is possible, and you have a better idea of what to bring to it.
One of you is clearer than the other, and you can see why, and what each of you needs to say or hear next.
You are still unsure, but you are unsure about something specific and not about everything, and that is a better place to begin.
Every one of these is a good outcome. If the relationship is not good for one or both of you, a clear and kind ending can be better than years of limbo. No one is obliged to stay in a relationship that is hurting them, and I would never suggest otherwise. If you are drawn to a middle path, can a trial separation save a relationship looks at that option in more detail, and how to know when a relationship is over explores the signs.
Joint sessions are for two people. This applies to every kind of relationship, including married and unmarried couples, couples with or without children, same sex couples, and couples whose relationships are not monogamous. It also applies if you have already separated and are wondering whether to try again.
How a Single Session Is Shaped for This Question
A single session is one 110 minute meeting, prepared for in advance. When you book, each of you receives your own workbook. You each complete it separately, and you email it to me directly at least 72 hours before the session. It asks why you are coming now, what you hope for, what you are worried about and what you have already tried. It also asks some questions about your wellbeing and safety. I read both workbooks before we meet, so that we do not spend the first part of the session catching up.
I do not share one partner's workbook with the other, so please do not write about abuse in a workbook that may be shared. If you are afraid of your partner, contact one of the services below or ask me for a separate conversation first. I also cannot keep from your partner anything that is relevant to the work we are doing together, so please think about what you include, and speak to me first if you are unsure.
The session itself is a rough shape and not a script. We begin by settling and agreeing the one question that matters most. Then we spend a good part of the time exploring what is happening, what has been tried and what each of you wants instead. After a short break we look at what is already working and what could be different. We finish by making things practical, with a small first step you can each take. My role is not to decide who is right or what you should do. It is to help the two of you understand what is happening between you, and to find a way forward that each of you can stand behind.
Afterwards I send you both a written reflection within five working days, together with a follow up workbook for you to use at home. Change can show up over the following days and weeks and not only on the day itself. You can choose a 50 minute follow up session, ideally four to six weeks later, if you would like one.
If one of you is hesitant about open ended therapy, a single defined session is something you can talk through with me in the free consultation. If your partner does not want to come at all, what to do when your partner won't go to couples therapy may be useful.
Not knowing whether to stay or try again is common, and it is not a sign that you are doing something wrong.
What the Research Says About This Kind of Work
The research is limited, and I would rather tell you so than claim more than I can support.
I searched for controlled studies of single session therapy with couples and could not find any. That does not mean it cannot help couples. It does mean that I offer it as a considered approach and not a proven one.
The nearest evidence concerns individuals with low mood and anxiety, and it is limited (Kim et al., 2023). The pillar guide sets out what that research does and does not show. None of it concerns decisions about relationships.
There is also a related approach worth knowing about. Discernment counselling is an approach designed for couples where one partner is leaning out and the other wants to work on the relationship. Its stated aim is clarity and confidence about next steps, and it emphasises individual conversations with each partner. In an analysis of 100 consecutive cases, about half of the couples chose to start couples therapy in order to reconcile, and most of the rest chose divorce (Doherty et al., 2016). That is a different format from the one I offer, since my single session is a joint session, and the analysis describes cases and does not compare them with any other approach. I mention it because it suggests that couples can reach different decisions. I only read the abstract, since the full text is not freely available.
Who This May Suit, and Who It May Not
A single session may suit you in these situations.
You have one clear question, such as whether to stay together or try again, and you want help thinking it through together.
You are willing to listen to each other, even if you disagree.
You would like to try a defined piece of work before committing to longer therapy.
You are open to whichever outcome becomes clear.
It may not be the right format in these situations.
There is abuse, violence or coercive control in your relationship, or you are afraid of your partner. A joint session is not safe in these situations.
You are in crisis, or thinking about harming yourself.
You have a very complicated history that needs far more than one session.
If you are afraid of your partner or worried about how they would react to what you write in a workbook, please keep your safety first and keep any workbook private. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is on 0808 2000 247 and is free and open 24 hours a day. Men's Advice Line is on 0808 8010327, Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm. Galop supports LGBTQ+ people on 0800 999 5428, Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm, with later hours on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Samaritans are on 116 123, free and open 24 hours, and in an emergency you should call 999.
If you want to understand the difference between conflict and control, coercive control vs conflict explains it.
If I think a single session is not the right fit once I have read your workbooks, I will tell you before the day and help you find a better option.
Making the Most of the Session
A few ideas may help you arrive in a good place.
Be as honest as you can in your workbook, and say what you are afraid of as well as what you want.
Agree on a question, even a rough one, such as what we need to understand in order to decide what happens next.
Try to arrive without an agenda for the outcome. The aim is to understand, not to win.
Avoid big decisions or difficult conversations on the day of the session itself. Give yourselves a little time and space afterwards.
Remember that you do not have to decide anything in the session. Clarity can be a step and not a verdict.
If you would like to read more first, when to go to couples therapy and what to expect from relationship therapy are good places to start. To understand what single session therapy involves in general, there is a separate guide to what single session therapy is.
How Therapy Can Help
Not knowing is uncomfortable, and many couples stay in that discomfort for far longer than they need to. A skilled and neutral third person can slow the conversation down, help each of you be heard and bring order to something that feels tangled. Whatever you decide, I want you both to make the decision with your eyes open and with respect for each other.
If you would like to talk about whether a single session is right for you, I offer a free 30 minute consultation, in person in London or online. I work with couples of all kinds, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in consensually non monogamous relationships, and you are welcome to ask any questions before you decide.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, and the founder of Rise and Grow Therapy, a private practice offering couples and relationship therapy across Kensington, Pimlico, and Angel, Islington in London, as well as online consultations. His approach draws first on Imago Relationship Therapy, alongside integrative relational, attachment based, Gottman, and systemic approaches. Mark works with couples of all kinds, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in non traditional relationship structures such as consensual non monogamy, as well as with individuals working through relational issues.
References
Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for mixed agenda couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246 to 255. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12132
Joel, S., Eastwick, P. W., Allison, C. J., et al. (2020). Machine learning uncovers the most robust self report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 117(32), 19061 to 19071. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1917036117
Kim, J., Ryu, S., & Chibanda, D. (2023). The effectiveness of single session therapy for adults with common mental health problems: A systematic review. BMC Psychology, 11(1), 373. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-023-01410-0
Tang, Y., Anderson, S. R., Johnson, L. N., Harris, S. M., & Kateregga, A. (2026). Portraying mixed agenda couples: Insights from large scale data sets. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 52(4), e70165. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.70165
