By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
Most of us work hard at times, and in many workplaces working hard is praised. For some people, though, work stops being something they do and becomes something they cannot stop doing. They feel uneasy or guilty when they are not working, they check messages at the dinner table, and the people who love them start to feel like they come second. In my experience this pattern is far more common than people expect, and it is often missed because it looks like success. This article looks at what work addiction is, why it develops, how to recognise it, what it does to relationships, and what helps people find a different way of living.
What Work Addiction Means
Work addiction, sometimes called workaholism, describes a compulsive drive to work that carries on even when it causes harm. It is not the same as working long hours because a job demands it, or because you love what you do. The difference lies in the compulsion. The person feels driven from the inside, and stopping brings guilt, restlessness or anxiety.
It is worth knowing that work addiction is not a formal diagnosis in the main diagnostic manuals, and researchers continue to debate how best to define it. That does not make the experience any less real. Researchers have developed screening tools to help describe it, and the best known is the Bergen Work Addiction Scale. It was built around seven features that appear in other addictions. These are work taking centre stage in a person's thoughts, using work to change mood, needing to do more of it, and feeling distress when prevented from working. The remaining three are conflict with other parts of life, returning to old habits after trying to cut down, and health or relationship problems as a result (Andreassen et al., 2012).
That list can be a helpful mirror. If several of those features sound like you, it may be worth taking your relationship with work more seriously.
How Common Is It
Estimates vary depending on how it is measured and who is asked. In a large online survey of 16,426 Norwegian workers, 7.8 percent met the scale's threshold for workaholism (Andreassen et al., 2016). Because people chose to take part, this should not be read as the exact rate in any country. It does suggest that a meaningful minority of working adults struggle with this, which matches what I see. Many of them have never named it, because the world around them tends to reward the behaviour, and a few have been told by employers that it is exactly what is wanted.
Why It Develops
Work addiction does not appear out of nowhere. In my experience it usually grows from a mix of personal history, personality and the culture around us.
Early messages about worth. Many people learned as children that love, praise or safety came with achievement. As adults, they work to feel they are enough, and no amount of success quite settles it.
Perfectionism and high standards. A large meta analysis found that workaholism is related to achievement oriented traits such as perfectionism and Type A personality (Clark et al., 2016). Interestingly, the same review found it generally unrelated to self esteem, so it may be less about low confidence than about a relentless need to measure up.
Escape from feelings. Work can be a reliable way to avoid grief, loneliness, a difficult relationship or an uncomfortable stillness. Being busy keeps those feelings at a distance.
A sense of control. When life elsewhere feels uncertain, work offers clear tasks and visible results.
Culture and workplace. Long hours, constant connectivity and the habit of treating busyness as a sign of importance all make it harder to stop. Phones that put the office in your pocket do not help, and Always On looks at that side of things.
For some men in particular, work can become the main way of feeling useful and respected, which the article on masculinity and mental health explores. Women juggling work with caring roles can be drawn into it too, and so can people from communities who feel they have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously. That includes many LGBTQ+ people who learned early that being impressive was a way of being safe.
Signs to Look For
Work addiction can be hard to see from the inside, because each step seems reasonable. Some signs that tend to show up are below.
Working far more than the job requires, and finding it hard to say why.
Feeling guilty, edgy or empty when you are not working.
Thinking about work during holidays, meals, sex or time with children.
Cancelling plans, hobbies or rest to fit in more work.
Promising to cut back and not managing to.
Relying on work to feel good about yourself, so that a bad day at work feels like a bad day as a person.
Poor sleep, constant tiredness, headaches or stomach trouble.
Irritability or anxiety when someone suggests slowing down.
Others telling you they miss you, even when you are in the room.
If you recognise a few of these, it does not mean something is wrong with you. It means your way of coping has become costly, and you deserve to find another.
Humans are not meant to work constantly in an ‘always on’ culture
What It Does to Health and Wellbeing
A large meta analysis drew together many studies and found that workaholism is linked with burnout, job stress, conflict between work and the rest of life, and poorer physical and mental health (Clark et al., 2016). In the large Norwegian survey, higher workaholism went along with more symptoms of anxiety, depression, ADHD and obsessive compulsive difficulties, although the individual effects were small (Andreassen et al., 2016). These are links and not proof of cause, so we cannot say which came first. In practice, they often feed each other. Anxiety pushes people to work, and exhaustion makes anxiety worse.
Work can also stop working. People who push without rest often find their creativity, patience and judgement slipping, which tempts them to work even harder. If you notice yourself caught in that loop, the Sunday scaries article describes the dread many people feel at the edge of the working week.
A useful question to ask yourself is what happens in your body and mood on a day off. If the honest answer is restlessness, guilt or a low flat feeling, that is information worth listening to. It does not mean you must work less tomorrow. It means there may be something underneath the work that deserves your attention and some care.
The Impact on Relationships
For many of the people I see, the relationship is where the cost is felt most. The person working may be proud of what they provide, and they may sincerely believe they are doing it for the family. Their partner, meanwhile, may feel lonely, unimportant or like a project manager for a household they share with someone who is rarely present. Both are telling the truth, and both are usually hurting. Neither is the villain of the story.
The partner often tries to raise it, and the conversation goes badly. The working partner feels criticised for something they see as sacrifice, and the other feels dismissed and stops asking. Resentment builds, intimacy fades and the working partner retreats into work, which is the one place they feel competent. The article on feeling lonely in a relationship describes how that distance feels from the other side, and the article on why partners stop listening may help with the conversations that keep going wrong.
Children notice too. They learn a great deal from the relationship their parents show them, including what it means to prioritise one another and how work and love fit together. A household where a parent is always physically or mentally elsewhere teaches something, even when nobody says it.
This pattern shows up in every kind of relationship, including same sex couples and those with several partners, where time is stretched across more people and work can take whatever is left. The good news is that it responds well to honest attention. When both people feel heard, couples often discover that what the partner wants is not less ambition. It is more presence.
What It Feels Like From the Inside
People who work compulsively rarely describe it as addiction. They describe it as being responsible, as being the one who gets things done, or as simply not having a choice. The relief of finishing a task is real but short lived, and it is soon replaced by the next demand. Rest can feel unearned, even slightly dangerous, as if stopping would let something catch up with them.
Many also describe a kind of loneliness that is hard to explain, because they are surrounded by people and achievements. Underneath the busyness there is often a tired person who would like to be known for more than what they produce. That is a very human wish, and it is one therapy can speak to directly.
If Your Partner Is the One Working
If you are the partner of someone who works compulsively, it helps to know that your frustration is reasonable and that it is probably not about the hours alone. Most partners want connection, not a reduction in a salary. Try to speak about what you miss, for example the walks you used to take or the evenings you used to share, rather than listing what they have done wrong.
Choose a calm moment and not the doorway at eleven at night. Say what you value in them, and be specific about one small change you would like. Expect some defensiveness, because for them work is tied up with worth. It is also fair to look after yourself, with friends and interests of your own, and to ask for couples therapy if the conversations keep stalling. You are not asking too much by wanting a partner who is present.
What Helps
Change rarely comes from willpower alone, because work is serving a purpose. It tends to come from understanding that purpose and finding other ways to meet it.
Name it without shame. Seeing the pattern clearly is the first step, and it is a sign of strength.
Get curious about what work does for you. Does it calm you, prove something to you or keep something at bay?
Set a clear end to the day and protect it. Choose a finish time, switch off notifications and keep one evening or weekend day for yourself and the people you love.
Create work free spaces at home. A table, a bedroom or a mealtime where phones and laptops stay away.
Rebuild a life outside work. Pick up a hobby, friendship or form of movement you once enjoyed. It may feel awkward at first, and that is normal.
Practise being enough. Notice the urge to prove yourself and let a task be good enough. This is harder than it sounds, and worth doing in small steps.
Rest as part of the plan. Breaks, sleep and holidays are what allow people to function well, not rewards for finishing.
Talk to the people who miss you. Ask your partner what they would most like more of, and listen without defending. If a conversation tends to go wrong, Repair After a Fight offers a gentle way back.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy gives you a place to look at what work is doing for you without being judged. In my experience, the work usually involves understanding where the drive came from, what feelings it keeps at bay and what you would do with your time and attention if you did not have to prove anything. For some people, a cognitive behavioural approach helps with perfectionism and the thoughts that keep them working, and the article on CBT explains what to expect. For others, relational and attachment based work is the key, because the drive often began in a relationship.
Couples therapy can also be very effective. It lets both partners say what they are feeling in a structured and safe setting, so that the working partner is not just criticised and the other partner is not just told to be patient. I work with couples of all kinds, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in consensual non monogamous relationships, and the aim is always to help both people feel valued.
If low mood or exhaustion has crept in alongside the overworking, the article on telling sadness from depression can help you decide when to seek support. If you ever feel unable to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself, please contact your GP, call 111 or Samaritans on 116 123, or go to A&E.
A Different Kind of Success
Work can be a rich and meaningful part of life. The question is whether it is a choice or a compulsion, and whether the people and parts of you outside work are getting a fair share. Moving towards balance does not mean giving up ambition. It means making room for the other things that make a life feel full, including rest, friendship, play and love.
If you would like to talk this through with a therapist, I offer a free 30 minute consultation in person in London or online. Whether you recognise yourself in this article or you are the partner who has been waiting for someone to come home, you are welcome to get in touch.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, and the founder of Rise and Grow Therapy, a private practice offering couples and relationship therapy across Kensington, Pimlico, and Angel, Islington in London, as well as online consultations. His approach draws first on Imago Relationship Therapy, alongside integrative relational, attachment based, Gottman, and systemic approaches. Mark works with couples of all kinds, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in non traditional relationship structures such as consensual non monogamy, as well as with individuals working through relational issues.
References
Andreassen, C. S., Griffiths, M. D., Hetland, J., & Pallesen, S. (2012). Development of a work addiction scale. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 53(3), 265 to 272. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9450.2012.00947.x
Andreassen, C. S., Griffiths, M. D., Sinha, R., Hetland, J., & Pallesen, S. (2016). The relationships between workaholism and symptoms of psychiatric disorders: A large scale cross sectional study. PLOS ONE, 11(5), e0152978. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0152978
Clark, M. A., Michel, J. S., Zhdanova, L., Pui, S. Y., & Baltes, B. B. (2016). All work and no play? A meta analytic examination of the correlates and outcomes of workaholism. Journal of Management, 42(7), 1836 to 1873. https://doi.org/10.1177/0149206314522301
