By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
There is a quiet assumption built into how most couples approach marriage. You meet someone, the relationship deepens, you decide to commit, and you trust that the love between you will carry you through whatever comes next. The idea of doing therapy before you are married, when by most measures things are going well, can feel slightly odd. Therapy is for problems, the thinking goes, and we do not have any.
In my work I see a consistent pattern. Couples come in after years of difficulty that a few honest conversations early on might have prevented or at least softened. The research on premarital work is encouraging, and it is more modest than some accounts suggest. Couples who take part in structured relationship education before or around marriage tend to report better communication and relationship quality, and some studies link it with lower odds of divorce. The effects are real, they are not enormous, and they vary by programme. So the useful question is whether the conversations are worth having, and in my view they usually are.
This piece is for anyone wondering whether to suggest therapy to their partner before they marry, or before they get engaged. It covers what the evidence shows, what premarital work involves, why so many couples skip it, and how to think about whether it is right for you. If you have already decided and want to know what to expect, I have written about what happens in a first couples therapy session.
In brief
Premarital work is preventative. It is often for relationships that are going well.
Reviews of relationship education find moderate gains in communication and relationship quality, and the evidence on divorce is thinner.
A large survey found premarital education linked with higher satisfaction and lower odds of divorce, though surveys cannot prove cause.
Much of the research is on structured programmes and not on individual therapy sessions, and I say where that matters.
The conversations that matter most are about money, children, conflict, intimacy, family and expectations.
A free consultation is a low-stakes way to find out whether it suits you.
What is premarital therapy?
Premarital therapy, sometimes called premarital counselling, pre marriage counselling, relationship education or marriage preparation, is structured work that couples do before getting married or before making a major commitment. It is not crisis therapy. Couples who do this work are usually not in distress. They are doing something closer to preventative maintenance, having the conversations and learning the skills that matter most over a long marriage.
The format varies. Some couples do a short course of weekly sessions over six to twelve weeks. Some do an intensive weekend programme. Some do a few sessions on particular topics, such as finances or in laws. The work is generally short term, focused and skills based, with a different texture from open ended couples therapy for distress. The aim is not to fix anything. It is to build foundations.
One of the best-known programmes in this field is PREP, the Prevention and Relationship Education Program, which Howard Markman and Scott Stanley developed at the University of Denver (University of Denver, n.d.). Many therapists draw on PREP principles, alongside other approaches such as the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy, when doing premarital work. Because so much of the research is on programmes like PREP, I will be clear about what it shows and what it does not.
What the research shows
This is a better evidenced area than many in relationship psychology, and the claims worth making are modest and specific.
Premarital programmes improve skills and relationship quality
A meta-analysis of premarital prevention programmes found a mean effect size of .80, which the authors express as the average participant being better off afterwards than 79 per cent of people who did not take part, or about a 30 per cent increase in measures of outcome success. The authors concluded that programmes are generally effective in producing immediate and short-term gains in interpersonal skills and overall relationship quality, and that these gains are significantly better than for couples who received no intervention. They also point to the lack of extended follow up research (Carroll & Doherty, 2003). That 30 per cent figure describes improvement on outcome measures, and not a reduction in divorce, which is a distinction that is sometimes lost.
A later and larger meta-analysis looked at marriage and relationship education more broadly, drawing on 86 reports, 117 studies and more than 500 effect sizes. For experimental studies the effect sizes for relationship quality ranged from d = .30 to .36, and for communication skills from d = .43 to .45. Moderate dosage programmes produced larger effects than low dosage ones. The authors noted a lack of racial, ethnic and economic diversity in the samples, and that outcomes policy makers care about, such as relationship stability and aggression, have rarely been addressed (Hawkins et al., 2008). In other words, the gains in communication and quality are well established, and the evidence that these programmes prevent divorce is thinner than many accounts imply.
What about divorce?
A large random survey across four middle American states found that participation in premarital education was associated with higher satisfaction and commitment in marriage, lower levels of conflict and reduced odds of divorce. The estimated effects were robust across race, income and education. The authors are clear that survey methods allow only weak inferences about causal relations (Stanley et al., 2006a). So this is encouraging evidence, and it cannot show that the education caused the better outcomes. Couples who choose premarital education may differ in other ways.
The developers of PREP are themselves cautious. PREP Inc. says that in the history of research on relationship education effectiveness it is rare to see a strong divorce reduction effect and then points to a randomised trial with US military couples (PREP Inc., n.d.). In a randomised trial of PREP with Army couples at two sites, 8 per cent of couples who completed the programme and 12 per cent of control couples divorced over two years, but the sites differed, with 8 per cent against 15 per cent at one site and 6 per cent against 4 per cent at the other (Allen et al., 2011). Those were married military couples and not premarital couples, and the summary I could read does not report the full detail, so I mention it only to show how mixed and context dependent the divorce findings are.
Why premarital communication matters
A study of 210 couples followed across the first five years of marriage examined how premarital communication quality related to divorce and later distress. Self-reported negative communication before marriage was significantly associated with divorce. Both observed and self-reported negative premarital communication were associated with lower marital adjustment during the first five years. All couples showed decreases in negative communication over time, but couples who were not distressed after five years declined more, which suggests they handled negative emotions better (Markman et al., 2010). That was an observational study and not a test of a programme, so it tells us that how you communicate before marriage matters, and it does not prove that learning new skills changes the outcome. It is the reason most premarital work focuses on conflict and communication.
Deciding, and not just sliding
Another line of research is about how couples arrive at marriage. Researchers have described how the experience of cohabiting may lead some couples who otherwise would not have married to end up married because of the inertia of living together, and they distinguish between sliding into transitions and deciding about them (Stanley et al., 2006b). That is one reason I think premarital conversations are useful. They give two people a deliberate moment to check that they are choosing each other and not simply carrying on.
It does not require things to be wrong
The research I have described is largely on couples who were not in distress. Premarital work is preventative. It is for relationships that are functioning well and want to build a foundation. Couples already in significant distress need a different kind of work, and I have written about whether couples therapy is worth it for them. The article on how well couples therapy works looks at the evidence for couples in difficulty.
I should also be honest about a limit. Most of this research is on structured programmes and education, often delivered in groups. I have not found research I can verify that tests individual premarital therapy sessions of the kind I offer, so what I describe about my own work is clinical experience and not a research finding.
Premarital work is preventative. It is often for relationships that are going well.
What you work on
Premarital work varies by couple and approach, but most good work covers a consistent set of areas. These are the conversations that tend to matter most over a long marriage, and they are easier to have before you are in the middle of them. This section reflects my experience.
Money
Most couples find, sometimes painfully, that their assumptions about money differ. How much to save, how much to spend, who pays for what, how to handle different earning levels, how to make large decisions, and what each of you expects from retirement. In my experience money disagreements are among the most common sources of strain, and they respond well to clear conversations early on. I have written about why couples argue about money.
Children
Whether to have them, when, how many, how they will be raised, who will take primary caregiving responsibility, and how the relationship will be protected in the early years. Assumptions here often turn out to differ, and the cost of discovering that mid marriage is much higher than the cost of discovering it before. If you are already thinking about life with a new baby, I have written about the first two years after a baby.
Conflict and communication
How you fight matters more than whether you fight. Premarital work usually introduces structured approaches to disagreement, such as how to slow down before things escalate and how to repair after a rupture. I have written about how to stop arguing with your partner and how to repair after a fight, which cover the underlying ideas in more depth.
Sex and intimacy
Sexual desire is rarely identical between partners, and small differences that feel manageable early on can grow through life transitions such as marriage, work pressure, illness or a new baby. Talking openly about expectations and how you will handle change over time is one of the most underrated parts of premarital work. I have written about desire discrepancy and how to talk to your partner about sex.
Families of origin and in laws
How much contact you want with each other's families, how you handle holidays, how you set boundaries, and what role each set of parents will play. These issues often surface around weddings for the first time, and they can become a source of strain if they are not addressed.
Expectations and assumptions
Most couples carry unspoken assumptions about marriage drawn from their families, their religious or cultural background, or what they have absorbed from the world around them. Surfacing these and checking whether you share them is one of the most useful things you can do before marrying. Discovering three years in that your partner had a completely different idea of what marriage involves is one of the more avoidable sources of distress.
Why couples skip premarital therapy
Despite the evidence, most couples do not do premarital work. The reasons people give tend to fall into a few groups, and each deserves a gentle push back.
'We are doing fine; we do not need it.' This is the most common reason and the most important one to address. Premarital work is not for couples in trouble. It is for couples who are doing fine. The question is not whether you need help. It is whether you want to be doing even better in five years, and whether you want something that can absorb the difficulties that will come.
'My partner will think I am suggesting we have problems.' The framing matters. Premarital work is not crisis intervention. In my view it is closer to going to the gym before you get injured or doing financial planning before retirement. Most partners are receptive once the framing is right. If your partner is hesitant, what to do when your partner won't go to couples therapy covers how to raise it, and there is a companion piece for them, an honest guide for the sceptic.
'We do not have time; the wedding is taking up everything.' This is understandable, and it is probably the wrong way round. The wedding is a year of planning for one day. The marriage is the rest of your lives. Six to twelve weeks invested in the marriage itself is one of the better trades you can make with your time.
'We have already done a pre marriage course at our church or with a religious leader.' These can be valuable and I would not want to discourage them. In my experience quality and depth vary, and a secular, structured session or two can add something different, particularly around conflict and communication. The two can complement each other. I have not verified research comparing them, so that is my view.
Premarital work for same sex couples and other configurations
Most of the premarital research I have cited does not report on sexual orientation, and I have not found verified research on premarital programmes with same sex couples, so I would not claim that the findings apply directly. In my experience the broad principle, that structured conversations before a major commitment help, holds across configurations. Same sex couples, for whom I have a particular focus in my practice, often have additional ground to cover around family acceptance, community expectations and building a marriage that may have few models in either family. Couples in consensually non monogamous relationships have their own important conversations to have before formalising a partnership, including agreements, boundaries and how they will handle the practical and emotional realities of the structure they have chosen. I write about gay couples therapy, lesbian couples therapy and consensual non monogamy.
How to start
If you are considering premarital work, the most useful thing is usually to speak to a therapist before deciding anything. Most therapists, including me, offer a free initial consultation by phone or video. It is a low-stakes way of finding out whether the work might suit you, what it would involve and whether the therapist feels right for you both. If it would help to gather your thoughts first, the free Preparing for your consultation workbook is private and optional, and it is a good place to write down what you each hope to talk about. If you are comparing therapists, my guide to how to choose a couples therapist in London covers credentials, fit, location, cost and questions to ask.
Many couples find that regular conversation after the sessions is what makes the work last. The free Weekly relationship check in is a simple 20-minute structure for appreciating each other, raising one concern gently and planning something small for the week ahead.
My practice, Rise and Grow Therapy™, offers couples therapy across central London from rooms in Kensington, Pimlico and Angel, Islington. I work with engaged couples, couples considering engagement, and couples who are already married and want to do some of this work in retrospect. I work with couples of all configurations, including same sex couples and couples in consensually non monogamous relationships.
The thing I most want to leave you with is this. Marriage is one of the largest commitments most people make, and it is unusual that we make it with so little preparation. A few weeks of structured work before you get there may well help, and the research suggests the gains are real even if they are modest. The cost is small, and the conversations are ones you would probably want to have anyway.
About the author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist (MBACP Accred) and NCPS Accredited Registered Relationship Therapist based in central London. He runs Rise and Grow Therapy, with rooms in Kensington, Pimlico, and Angel, Islington, and works with individuals and couples on relationship difficulties, intimacy, communication, and emotional connection. He has particular experience working with LGBTQ+ clients and couples in consensually non-monogamous relationships. To book a free consultation, visit riseandgrowtherapy.co.uk.
References
Allen, E. S., Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., Markman, H. J., & Loew, B. A. (2011). Marriage education in the Army: Results of a randomized clinical trial. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 10(4), 309 to 326.
Carroll, J. S., & Doherty, W. J. (2003). Evaluating the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs: A meta analytic review of outcome research. Family Relations, 52(2), 105 to 118.
Hawkins, A. J., Blanchard, V. L., Baldwin, S. A., & Fawcett, E. B. (2008). Does marriage and relationship education work? A meta analytic study. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 76(5), 723 to 734.
Markman, H. J., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Ragan, E. P., & Whitton, S. W. (2010). The premarital communication roots of marital distress and divorce: The first five years of marriage. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(3), 289 to 298.
PREP Inc. (n.d.). PREP and the US military. Retrieved 6 October 2026.
Stanley, S. M., Amato, P. R., Johnson, C. A., & Markman, H. J. (2006a). Premarital education, marital quality, and marital stability: Findings from a large, random household survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 117 to 126.
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006b). Sliding versus deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499 to 509.
University of Denver. (n.d.). Markman: Distinguished professor of psychology. University of Denver Magazine Archive. Retrieved 6 October 2026.
