By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
Spending that was not planned, a big decision made in a rush, words said in the heat of the moment, one more drink that turns into many. Impulse control is one of the areas of ADHD that couples find hardest to talk about, partly because it touches money, trust and sometimes shame. This article explains why impulse control is harder with ADHD, what it can mean for a relationship, including around alcohol and drugs, and how couples can work with it without blame.
Article Summary
Impulse control difficulties are a common part of ADHD and reflect how the brain weighs now against later, not a lack of care or character.
They can show up in spending, decisions, arguments, and in alcohol, drugs and other habits.
ADHD is linked with higher rates of substance use problems, and some people use substances to cope with strong feelings.
Understanding the ADHD side can reduce shame and guilt, and it does not remove the need for the impact on a partner to be taken seriously.
Shared agreements, early support and therapy can help, and where a relationship is unsafe, your safety comes first.
What Impulse Control Means in ADHD
Impulse control is the ability to pause between wanting something and acting on it. In ADHD, that pause is often shorter and harder to hold. The thought "I want that" and the action can arrive almost together, and the longer term consequence feels faint compared with what is in front of you.
Reviews of the research point in the same direction. A meta analysis of 21 investigations found that people with ADHD, on average, prefer smaller, sooner rewards over larger, later ones more than people without ADHD do, with a medium sized difference. The authors describe the evidence as robust (Jackson and MacKillop, 2016). A different review found that adults with ADHD showed higher levels of emotion dysregulation overall, with emotional lability, meaning rapidly shifting feelings, the strongest part (Beheshti et al., 2020). Put plainly, the ADHD brain tends to favour now, and feelings can move quickly, which fits with impulses being harder to resist.
It is also worth saying that this is not the whole of the person. The same brain that jumps in fast often brings spontaneity, warmth and energy to a relationship. The difficulty is that the same wiring can be costly when it meets money, risk or strong feeling.
Spending and Decisions
For many couples, money is where impulse control becomes visible first. A community study of 1,292 adults found that people with ADHD reported more impulsive buying, less saving and more avoidant or spontaneous ways of making financial decisions. When the researchers took account of personality, depression and background, impulsive buying and financial decision styles were no longer significantly linked to ADHD symptoms, which suggests that personality and mood shape how people handle money too, and that the link with ADHD alone is less clear than it first looks (Bangma et al., 2020).
In practice, it can mean a purchase that was not discussed, an investment made in a rush, or a job or move decided in a single evening. Partners often feel anxious and shut out of decisions that affect them both. The ADHD partner often feels sharp regret afterwards, and then shame, and shame tends to lead to hiding things, which erodes trust further.
Words in the Heat of the Moment
Impulse control also affects conversation. A cutting comment arrives before the thought "I shouldn't say this". Anger can rise and spill quickly and then pass, leaving a partner shaken and the partner with ADHD sorry. Being sorry matters, and it does not undo the impact. If this sounds familiar, the articles on why an ADHD partner interrupts and rejection sensitivity explain closely related patterns. Fast words can hurt, whatever the cause, and an explanation is not a reason to stop repairing.
Alcohol and Drugs
This part of the story matters as much as money and is talked about far less. The research consistently links ADHD and substance use. A meta analysis that followed children with ADHD forward in time found that children with ADHD were significantly more likely to have used nicotine and other substances, though not more likely to have simply tried alcohol, and more likely to go on to develop substance use disorders involving nicotine, alcohol, cannabis, cocaine and other substances. The authors found the increased risk held across differences in age, sex, race and sample (Lee et al., 2011). A meta analysis of 31 studies estimated that ADHD is present in about 21 per cent of people with a substance use disorder (Rohner et al., 2023). That does not mean everyone with ADHD has a problem with substances, and it does not mean everyone with a substance problem has ADHD. It does mean that this is a common overlap and not a rare or shameful exception.
There are two ways I most often see ADHD connect to drinking or drug use, and they often work together.
The first is impulse control. When the pause between wanting and doing is short, one drink more easily becomes five, a night out becomes a few days, and a decision to stop drinking can be forgotten within hours. The brain's weighing of now against later makes the immediate relief or pleasure loud and the next morning quiet.
The second is coping with feeling. Many people with ADHD live with strong and fast emotions, a restless mind and, for some, the pain of rejection and criticism. In my work, alcohol and other substances often turn out to be a way of quietening that, whether it is a drink to switch off, cannabis to slow the mind, or a stimulant to focus. This is a clinical observation and not something the studies above tested directly. It can bring short relief, which is part of why the habit holds on.
Drinking is also normal in much of our culture, so it can be hard to see when it has become a problem. Ordinary social drinking can slide into a pattern that slowly wears down a relationship, through missed evenings, arguments after drinking, broken promises, money spent, health worries, and a partner who feels they are living with someone who is only half there. Because everyone around you drinks, a partner raising it can feel like they are being unreasonable, and the person drinking can feel judged.
For couples, the ADHD framing can be a relief. Understanding that impulse control and emotional pain can be part of why it happens can lift a lot of the shame and guilt, which can drive people to hide and drink more. It also helps partners, who may have been reading it as not caring enough to stop. Understanding is not the same as excusing. Both things can be true, that this is not a moral failing, and that the impact on the relationship is real and needs to change.
If you are worried about your drinking, or your partner's, you do not need to wait for rock bottom. If you drink heavily and regularly, get medical advice before cutting down suddenly, because the NHS warns it can be very dangerous to stop drinking suddenly if you are dependent on alcohol. Your GP is a good first step, and Drinkline offers free and confidential advice on 0300 123 1110, open weekdays 9am to 8pm and weekends 11am to 4pm. Partners can find support through Al-Anon Family Groups and Adfam. If ADHD has not been assessed, mention that to your GP, because it may be relevant to the support you are offered.
Other Habits
Other habits can follow the same pattern. Gambling, gaming, overspending online, and pornography use can all become ways of handling stress or chasing a quick lift. The article on sex addiction and what the term means looks at one version of this.
Delay discounting is the tendency to weigh an immediate reward much more heavily than a delayed one
What Helps If You Have ADHD
Treat your ADHD as part of the picture and not as an excuse or a sentence. Naming it can help you notice the urge sooner.
Add friction between the urge and the act. Delete saved card details, set a waiting rule of 24 hours for non essential purchases over an amount you pick, use spending limits, and keep alcohol out of the house if that helps. If you drink heavily every day, speak to your GP before cutting down. The goal is to make the helpful choice the easy one.
Plan for the hard moments. Know what tends to precede drinking or spending, such as an argument, tiredness or feeling criticised, and have another option ready, like a call, a walk or a message to your partner.
Tell your partner early. Saying "I'm struggling today" before a slip is far more useful than a confession afterwards.
Treatment for ADHD can make a real difference to impulse control for some people, and it is worth discussing with a GP or an ADHD specialist. Coaching and skills based therapy can help with planning, pausing and managing feelings. Where alcohol or drugs have become a problem, specialist services can work alongside ADHD treatment, and a good clinician will want to know about both. None of this is a quick fix, and progress usually comes in steps with setbacks along the way. That is normal and does not mean it is not working.
What Helps If Your Partner Has ADHD
You are allowed to have limits. It is fair to say "I cannot be in this if we cannot talk about money" or "I need us to agree on what happens when we drink".
Speak about specific events and the effect on you, not about character. "I felt frightened when I saw the balance" lands better than "you're irresponsible". Take care of yourself too, whether through friends, your own therapy or a group for partners.
If you are ever afraid of your partner when they are drinking or angry, or you are being controlled, that goes beyond impulse control. Coercive control vs conflict and signs of emotional abuse can help you think it through. Your safety matters more than keeping the peace.
What Helps Together
Trust in a relationship with ADHD tends to grow through agreements that are clear, specific and kept. Vague hopes such as "I will be better with money" or "I will cut down" are hard for any brain to hold, and they are especially hard when impulses are strong. A concrete agreement is easier. It might be a spending amount above which you check with each other, a limit on drinks on a weeknight, an agreement to message if plans change, or a rule that big decisions wait a day.
Write the agreements down, put them where you will both see them, and review them every few weeks. Treat a broken agreement as information about what needs adjusting, and not as proof of bad faith. If the same agreement keeps breaking, that is worth naming too, and your limits still stand. The hurt partner is entitled to honesty and to changed behaviour over time. The partner with ADHD is entitled to agreements that fit how their brain works. Both of these can be true together, and when they are, trust has room to rebuild.
Talking about alcohol, spending and risk can easily turn into a trial, so a few ideas that may help:
Choose a calm time, not straight after an incident and not while either of you has been drinking.
Begin with care. "I love you and I am worried about us" opens more doors than a list of failings.
Describe what you have noticed and how it affected you, and leave out words like always and never.
Ask what the other person has noticed, and listen to the answer.
Agree on one small next step, rather than trying to fix everything in a single evening.
For the person with ADHD, hearing a concern is not the same as being told you are bad. Many people find it easier to listen when they know that shame is not the aim. For the partner raising it, your concern is a legitimate request, and it is not controlling to ask for change on something that is hurting you.
A slip, whether it is a spending spree, an argument or a night of heavy drinking, is a moment that tests how both of you respond. The person with ADHD can name what happened, say what they will do differently and avoid hiding it. The other partner can say how it affected them and decide what they need, without having to punish. Shame tends to push people to conceal, and concealment often damages trust more than the slip itself. A partner who tells you quickly, even when it is hard, is giving you something valuable.
It also helps to ask what the slip was about. Was it tiredness, stress, an argument, loneliness, or feeling criticised? Patterns tend to appear once you look, and they point to what needs to change.
Build a pause into conflict, with a time to return, and use repair after a fight when words have flown. The hub article on ADHD and relationships explains the wider picture.
A Workbook For Couples
If impulsive moments with money, words or habits are straining things, my ADHD and Your Relationship workbook for couples may help. It treats ADHD as a shared situation and not a personal failing. Each of you maps how ADHD shows up for you, shares it gently, and then you agree together what you will try. It is a fillable PDF, so you can type on screen or print it.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy can help you work out together what happens between the urge and the act, and what sits underneath it, whether that is stress, loneliness, feeling criticised or something else. It can make room for the shame on one side and the fear and anger on the other, without anyone being the villain. It can also help you build agreements that fit your lives, and rebuild trust after hard moments.
Where substance use is serious, couples therapy works best alongside specialist support for the substance use itself, and I am happy to talk about how those fit together. You do not need a formal ADHD diagnosis to begin.
If you would like support with this, I offer a free 30 minute consultation, in person in London or online, for couples of any gender or orientation, and for open and non monogamous relationships too.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist working in person across central London, from rooms in Pimlico, Kensington, and Angel. He works with couples, individuals, and polycules on relationship issues including jealousy, affairs and betrayals, sex problems, and considered separation. His practice is integrative, sex-positive, and affirming of all relationship structures and identities.
References
Bangma, D. F., Tucha, L., Fuermaier, A. B. M., Tucha, O., & Koerts, J. (2020). Financial decision making in a community sample of adults with and without current symptoms of ADHD. PLOS ONE, 15(10), e0239343. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0239343
Beheshti, A., Chavanon, M. L., & Christiansen, H. (2020). Emotion dysregulation in adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. A meta analysis. BMC Psychiatry, 20, 120. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-020-2442-7
Jackson, J. N. S., & MacKillop, J. (2016). Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder and monetary delay discounting. A meta analysis of case control studies. Biological Psychiatry: Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging, 1(4), 316 to 325. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bpsc.2016.01.007
Lee, S. S., Humphreys, K. L., Flory, K., and colleagues (2011). Prospective association of childhood attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and substance use and abuse/dependence. A meta analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 31, 328 to 341. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2011.01.006
Rohner, H., Gaspar, N., Philipsen, A., & Schulze, M. (2023). Prevalence of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) among substance use disorder (SUD) populations. Meta analysis. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(2), 1275. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20021275
