By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
If you are asking whether to stay together until after Christmas, something has already shifted. Perhaps you have been thinking about leaving for a while. Perhaps something happened last week that made it impossible to ignore. Or perhaps you do not know what you want, and the only thing you are sure of is that you do not want to decide it now. Whatever your reasons, the question carries a lot of weight, and the season makes it heavier.
This article is for people in that position, whether you are married or not, with children or without, in a different sex or same sex relationship. It does not tell you to stay or to go. It looks at why so many people wait, what Christmas does to a decision like this, and how to protect yourself and the people around you while you work out what you want. If you are afraid of your partner, please read the short section on safety first.
Article Summary
Many people wait until after Christmas to end a relationship. The most common reasons are the children, not wanting to spoil Christmas for themselves or their partner, and not being sure and wanting the quieter days to think.
Christmas also pushes some people into a final decision, because it puts the relationship under a very bright light.
Waiting can be a considered choice or a way of avoiding the decision. It helps to know which one you are doing.
Research on children and divorce finds small average effects with a wide range of outcomes, and points to conflict before and after a separation as a key factor.
Research on divorcing couples suggests people leave for different reasons, and that how they feel afterwards varies with the kind of marriage they left.
Many couples are not on the same page, with one partner leaning out and the other leaning in.
You do not have to wait until January to get support, and a consultation now can bring clarity before the new year.
If you are afraid of your partner, Christmas is not a reason to wait.
Why So Many People Want to Wait
Wanting to wait is rarely cowardice. It is usually care, or caution, or exhaustion, and it tends to fall into a few familiar patterns.
For some people, it is about the children. You may not want the last memory of a family Christmas to be the one where everything changed. You may want to give them one more ordinary morning, with stockings and wrapping paper and both parents in the room. That is a loving instinct, and there is nothing wrong with it.
For others, it is about not wanting to ruin Christmas, either for themselves or for their partner. Ending a relationship in December can feel cruel, as though you are choosing the worst possible moment to hurt someone. It can also feel selfish towards yourself. You may dread being alone on the day, or facing relatives with a story you have not yet worked out how to tell.
And for others, it is about not being sure. The days around Christmas are often the first quiet stretch of the year. There is no work, no school run and fewer obligations, and some people see that as a chance to look at the relationship properly and decide. They are not stalling. They are using the time they have.
All three are understandable, and you may recognise yourself in more than one. The more useful question is not whether waiting is right, but what you are waiting for and what it costs.
When Christmas Pushes You to Decide
There is a second pattern that is just as common and tends to be overlooked. For some people, Christmas does not delay the decision. It forces it.
When you spend several days in close quarters, with fewer distractions and higher expectations, the state of the relationship becomes hard to avoid. You may see how little you talk, or how tense the house feels, or how differently the two of you want to spend the day. You may compare your own Christmas with other people's, or with the one you imagined. A single argument over dinner, or a cold gift, or a quiet moment on Boxing Day can become the thing that tips you over, and many people describe a point at which they finally came to rest on the decision.
Sometimes that clarity is real, and the pressure has only brought into view something that was already true. Other times, it is the intensity of the season speaking. Tiredness, drink, family history and the gap between how Christmas is meant to feel and how it does can make a relationship look worse, or better, than it is. A decision made at an emotional peak is not automatically wrong. It is worth separating what the day showed you from how the day made you feel.
My article on how to know when a relationship is over looks at the signs that tend to hold up over time, and I don't love my partner anymore speaks to the moment when that thought first arrives.
What Waiting Can and Cannot Do
Waiting can be a sensible choice. It can give you time to prepare the practical side, talk to a friend or a therapist, speak to a solicitor, and work out how you will tell the children. It can protect a few days that matter to you. It can also give you the space to find out whether something that felt final is still true when the pressure drops.
But waiting has limits. It does not make the decision for you. If you are using the time to avoid a conversation, the pressure will usually still be there on 2 January, and the delay can add its own strain. If you are pretending, the effort of keeping up appearances can be tiring and lonely. And if your partner senses something is wrong and does not know what, the uncertainty can be hard on them too.
It can help to ask yourself which kind of waiting this is.
Waiting to prepare. You know what you want, and you are choosing the timing carefully.
Waiting to protect. You want to shield someone, perhaps the children or your partner, from a hard moment.
Waiting to avoid. The conversation feels too frightening, and delay feels like relief.
Waiting to decide. You do not know yet, and you are giving yourself room to find out.
None of these is wrong. They simply call for different things. If you are waiting to avoid, it may help to take one small step now, such as talking to someone. If you are waiting to decide, it helps to use the time deliberately and not just let it pass.
Research on people who divorce suggests that the reasons for leaving differ. A study of 509 couples who divorced between two waves of a large United States survey found that about half had been in high distress relationships and the rest in low distress ones. People in the high distress group reported increases in happiness after divorce, whereas those in the low distress group reported declines, and the authors suggest two broad motivations for divorce, poor relationship quality and weak commitment to marriage (Amato and Hohmann Marriott, 2007). It describes married couples in one country, so it should not be stretched to everyone. The useful point is that people's reasons, and what follows, vary, and that being clear about your own reasons matters.
Many people wait until after Christmas to end a relationship. The most common reasons are the children, not wanting to spoil Christmas for themselves or their partner, and not being sure and wanting the quieter days to think.
If the Children Are the Reason
If your main reason for waiting is the children, you are probably weighing a difficult question. Is it better for them if we stay a little longer, or better if we are honest sooner? There is no simple answer, and the research does not give one either.
A study using two large national data sets in the United States looked at what happens to children after parental divorce. It found that divorce was associated with multiple negative outcomes, that the effect sizes were small, and that there was substantial variability, with some children declining, others improving and most not changing at all (Amato and Anthony, 2014). A 2022 review of the research on the divorce process concluded that it is the family environment before and after a divorce, and in particular conflict between the parents, that largely accounts for how children adapt, more than the divorce itself (Cao et al., 2022).
It is easy to read research like this as a verdict, and it is not one. It does not say that separating is fine or that staying is better. It suggests that how parents treat each other, and how steady things feel for the child, count for a great deal. A calm household that is honest about change can be easier for a child than a tense one that is trying to look intact.
If you are thinking about the children, my articles on staying together for the kids and telling the kids about separation go into this in more depth. If you do decide to wait, make a plan for when and how you will tell them, so that the decision is not driven by the date alone.
If You Are Not Sure and Want to Use the Quiet Days
If you are hoping to use the time over Christmas to decide, the quiet days can help, provided you use them gently. A few things tend to make the difference.
Separate the decision from the day. Christmas Day itself, with its pressures and its tiredness, is rarely the best time to make a final call. A quiet walk on the 27th may tell you more.
Notice patterns, not moments. A single good or bad day matters less than what you see over weeks. Ask yourself what has been true for most of this year.
Ask what you are moving towards, not only away from. It is easy to know what you want to escape. It is harder, and more useful, to ask what you want your life to look like.
Keep a few private notes. Writing down what you notice, what you feel and what you fear can show you a pattern that thinking alone does not.
Do not issue an ultimatum on the day. If you have something important to say, choose a time when neither of you is exhausted or on show.
Talk to someone outside the relationship. A friend you trust, or a therapist, can hear it without needing an outcome.
My article on whether to stay together or break up offers a way to look at the question with more structure, and can a trial separation save a relationship is worth reading if you are wondering about a middle path.
When You Are Not on the Same Page
Often one partner is leaning towards leaving and the other wants to work on it, sometimes called a mixed agenda. This is more common than many people think. A 2026 study drew on two data sets and found mixed agenda dynamics in about 10 percent of a non clinical sample and nearly 40 percent of a clinical sample. The authors concluded that a substantial portion of couples seeking therapy do so with conflicting motivations (Tang et al., 2026).
If that is where you are, Christmas can be especially hard, because one of you may be saying goodbye while the other is trying to hold things together. A few things help.
Be honest about where you are, without being brutal. If you have already decided, a vague "I'm just tired" can leave your partner in limbo. If you have not decided, say that.
Choose the timing with care. Telling your partner on Christmas Eve is rarely kind, but waiting indefinitely is not either. You can agree a time soon after the holiday when you will talk properly.
If you are the one who wants to stay, resist the urge to prove it by getting perfect. Your partner needs to see that you are listening, not that you are performing.
Consider support for both of you. Some therapists work specifically with couples in this position. Doherty and colleagues describe an approach called discernment counselling, for couples where one partner is leaning towards divorce and the other wants to preserve the relationship, and report that in 100 consecutive cases about half the couples chose to begin couples therapy to reconcile, with most of the rest choosing divorce (Doherty et al., 2016).
My article on when to go to couples therapy sets out some of the signs that outside help would be useful.
How to Get Through Christmas Either Way
Whatever you decide about the timing, you still have to get through the next few weeks. These suggestions help whether you are waiting to prepare, to protect or to decide.
Agree a simple plan. Who will be where, what you will say to relatives, and how you will spend the day. A shared plan reduces the number of small decisions that can turn into arguments.
Keep the tone steady. You do not have to pretend that everything is fine, but you can choose to be civil, kind and low drama. It is easier to remain steady when you are not also trying to settle everything.
Look after yourself. Sleep, food, a walk, a break from social media and from alcohol if drink makes things sharper. Small things protect you more than they seem to.
Have one person to talk to. Choose someone who will listen and not push you either way.
Plan for the day after. Boxing Day and the days that follow can be flat and raw. Make a small plan, such as seeing a friend, so you are not alone with it.
Be careful with what you say to children. Keep them out of adult decisions. If you are waiting to tell them, avoid saying things that are not true, and do not ask them to keep secrets.
If you are going through Christmas feeling out of step with the season, surviving Christmas without falling out offers practical ways to keep conflict low.
If You Are Afraid of Your Partner
This section matters most. If you are frightened of your partner, if they control, threaten or monitor you, or if you do not feel safe, Christmas is not a reason to wait. Waiting to protect the holiday can put you at risk. Fear is not the same as ordinary conflict, and my article on coercive control versus ordinary conflict explains the difference.
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24 hours on 0808 2000 247. They can talk through your options at your pace. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.
Do Not Wait Until January to Get Support
There is a quieter reason many people wait, which is that they think therapy can start in the new year. By then, many diaries have filled. Starting a conversation now does not commit you to anything. It simply means you are not carrying this alone through the holidays.
If Christmas shows you something about your relationship, you do not need to wait for January to act on it. A single conversation can help you see your position more clearly, whether you decide to stay, to leave or to keep thinking. Some people use one longer session to get clarity and a plan, and my article on whether one therapy session is enough explains how that works.
How Therapy Can Help
A decision this size is hard to make in your own head, and harder to make at a time of year that magnifies everything. In therapy I help people slow the question down, whether they are coming alone or as a couple. We look at what has changed, what you want, what you fear, and what you would regret. I do not push people towards staying or going, and I do not assume that staying together is the better outcome.
I work with people of every background, including LGBTQ+ clients, with people who are certain, people who are torn and people who are only starting to ask. If you are the one who is unsure, you can come alone. If you and your partner want to explore it together, couples sessions can help each of you say what is true without it turning into a fight. Whatever you decide, the aim is that you make the decision from a steadier place and feel better able to tell the people it affects.
If you would like to talk it through, you are welcome to book a free 30 minute consultation, in person in London or online. It is a chance to describe what is happening and to see whether working together feels right. There is no obligation, and you do not need to have it worked out.
About the author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, and the founder of Rise and Grow Therapy, a private practice offering couples and relationship therapy across Kensington, Pimlico, and Angel, Islington in London, as well as online consultations. His approach draws first on Imago Relationship Therapy, alongside integrative relational, attachment based, Gottman, and systemic approaches. Mark works with couples of every background and relationship structure, as well as with individuals working through relational issues.
References
Amato, P. R., & Anthony, C. J. (2014). Estimating the effects of parental divorce and death with fixed effects models. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 370 to 386. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12100
Amato, P. R., & Hohmann Marriott, B. (2007). A comparison of high and low distress marriages that end in divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(3), 621 to 638. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00396.x
Cao, H., Fine, M. A., & Zhou, N. (2022). The Divorce Process and Child Adaptation Trajectory Typology (DPCATT) model: The shaping role of predivorce and postdivorce interparental conflict. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 25, 500 to 528. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/pmid/35106699/
Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for mixed agenda couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246 to 255. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12132
Tang, Y., Anderson, S. R., Johnson, L. N., Harris, S. M., & Kateregga, A. (2026). Portraying mixed agenda couples: Insights from large scale data sets. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 52(4), e70165. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.70165
