By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, couples and relationship therapy in London
Somewhere between Christmas and the first week of January, many couples have the same conversation. This year will be different. We will sort things out. We will finally decide about the house, the wedding, the baby or whether this relationship has a future. It feels hopeful when you say it, and by February it can feel like one more thing you did not manage.
When people bring New Year resolutions about their relationship into my therapy room, they are usually about big decisions. They are much less often about the smaller things, such as how the relationship is organised from week to week and how the two of you talk to each other. Those smaller things are what I tend to steer people towards, because they are where change is most likely to take hold.
This article looks at why big resolutions come up at New Year and what often sits underneath them, and at how to make smaller ones about structure and communication that you can keep. It is written for couples of any gender and orientation, married or not, and for anyone making a resolution about their relationship on their own.
Article Summary
Relationship resolutions usually focus on big decisions. The resolutions more likely to help are smaller ones about how your relationship is organised and how you talk to each other.
The season itself invites big resolutions, and couples reach January after a stressful fortnight in close quarters. A big resolution can also be a way of handling uncertainty or avoiding a smaller, repeated difficulty, and naming what is underneath it often shows you a smaller place to start.
In a large Swedish study, people who aimed to start doing something were more likely to keep their resolution than people who aimed to stop or avoid something. Studies of dating couples found something similar about relationship goals.
The same resolution can feel very different to a partner who pursues and a partner who withdraws, so agree it together and make it easy to start.
Tie the change to a regular moment in your week, allow months for it to feel natural, and decide in advance what you will do when it slips.
The Resolutions People Usually Bring
The resolutions I hear most often are big ones. Couples decide that this is the year they will move in together, get married, start a family, buy a home or move city. Some decide that they will finally work out whether the relationship has a future. Others resolve to settle a long running difference, such as how much time to spend with family or whether to open the relationship. Individuals often arrive with a resolution to fix the relationship or to make a decision they have put off for years.
These are important questions, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to face them. The difficulty is that a big decision is not something you can do every day. You cannot practise moving in together on a Tuesday evening. A decision also depends on two people being ready at the same time, and that rarely lines up with the first of January.
Big resolutions also carry pressure. If the goal is to have the house sorted or the question of children settled by spring, every week without progress can feel like a failure. That pressure makes conversations tense, and tense conversations make big decisions harder. The resolution meant to bring you closer can end up pushing you apart.
Why Big Resolutions Come Up at New Year, and What Often Sits Underneath Them
The simplest reason is the time of year. The whole season is built around resolutions and change. Adverts, social media, workplaces and family conversations all invite you to look at your life and decide what will be different. In that atmosphere, a big resolution about your relationship can feel like the natural thing to bring.
It also follows a fortnight in close quarters. Many couples have just spent two weeks together at a stressful time, with little rest and little space apart. That affects decision making, and it can bring a relationship to a breaking point. A resolution made in early January can reflect how the holiday went as much as how the relationship has been all year. The article on surviving Christmas without falling out looks at that fortnight.
A big resolution is also rarely only about the decision itself. If you have made one, or your partner has, it can help to ask what the decision is meant to do for you. The answers vary, but a few come up often.
It promises certainty. Living with an open question is uncomfortable, and a deadline can feel like control. "By March we will know" is a way of putting the discomfort somewhere.
It stands in for a smaller problem. Some couples resolve to move house or have a baby hoping it will fix distance that has built up over months. When the closeness is missing, a bigger project rarely brings it back.
It carries one person's timetable. One partner may feel the clock far more than the other. The resolution then becomes a way of asking for reassurance, and the other partner may hear it as pressure.
It avoids the ordinary work. Talking about next year's big question can be easier than talking about this week's resentment about the dishes, the phone or the lack of time together.
None of these is a failing. They are understandable ways of coping with a relationship that feels unsettled. They do explain why the big resolutions so often stall, and why a smaller starting point can be more useful than it first sounds. If you can name what the big decision is standing in for, you will often find something small and workable close to it.
The Smaller Things That Make the Difference
If big decisions are hard to resolve, what is left? In my experience, it is the everyday shape of the relationship. That means how you share time, space, tasks and attention, and how you speak to each other when things are easy and when they are hard. These things can feel too ordinary for a resolution. They are also where most couples have the most room to change.
Some of the best evidence on early attention comes from a study of 174 engaged and newlywed couples. Some took part in one of two four session skills programmes, some in a single session that raised awareness of their relationship without teaching skills, and some received nothing. After three years, 24% of the couples who received nothing had split up, compared with 11% in each of the other groups. The single awareness session did as well as the longer programmes on that measure (Rogge and colleagues, 2013). These were engaged or newly married husbands and wives, so the study cannot tell you what will happen in your relationship. It does suggest that even a modest, deliberate focus on a relationship early on is associated with better outcomes.
Communication also shapes how couples get through hard days. A daily diary study of 98 same sex couples found that on days with conflict, people reported more negative feelings, and those feelings went with seeing their partner as doing less to look after the relationship. In couples with a more constructive communication style, the rise in negative feeling on conflict days was smaller (Ogolsky and Gray, 2016). Conflict still happens in couples who communicate well. What differs is how much it costs them.
So instead of resolving to settle a big question, resolve to change something about how your relationship is structured or how you communicate. Those changes also make the big questions easier to talk about when you do come to them.
Resolutions About How Your Relationship Is Structured
Structure sounds formal, but it simply means the patterns that organise your life together. Who does what, when you see each other, how you spend money, how much time you spend apart and how you rest. Many of these patterns were never agreed. They grew over time, and some no longer suit either of you.
That is why I think of structural resolutions as agreements to make together, not rules for one person to follow. An agreement you both helped to shape is much more likely to survive a busy February than a rule one of you announced. The new year is a good moment to look at the patterns together and choose one or two to renegotiate.
A weekly check in. Twenty minutes at the same time each week to talk about what has been good, what needs attention and what you would like from the week ahead. Our free guide is adapted from the State of the Union meeting developed by John and Julie Gottman.
Protected time together. One evening a week, or a few hours at the weekend, with phones away. It does not need to be a date. It needs to belong to the two of you. If phones are part of the problem, the article on life with phones and social media may help.
Protected time apart. Closeness is easier when each of you also has time for friends, exercise or being alone. Agree how much each of you would like, and when.
A fairer split of the load. Write down the tasks that keep the household running, including the invisible ones such as remembering birthdays and booking appointments. Then look at who does what and agree one change.
A regular money conversation. A short monthly talk about spending and plans can stop money becoming a source of surprise and resentment. The article on why couples argue about money goes into this in more depth.
Time to talk about intimacy. For many couples, sex and closeness are the hardest things to raise. Setting aside a moment to talk about them, away from the bedroom, can make it easier. There is more in how to talk to your partner about sex.
You do not need all of these. Pick the one that would make the biggest difference to the two of you, and start there.
It also helps to think about how each of you is likely to receive it. When one partner tends to pursue and the other tends to withdraw, a weekly check in can land very differently. The partner who pursues may feel relieved to have a guaranteed time to talk. The partner who withdraws may feel cornered by a regular conversation about the relationship. Neither reaction is wrong. Starting small, keeping the time short and agreeing that either of you can ask for a pause makes the check in easier to approach. The articles on the anxious avoidant trap, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment look at these patterns in more depth. If the check in appeals, the free guide gives you a simple 20 minute structure for it.
Relationship resolutions usually focus on big decisions. The resolutions more likely to help are smaller ones about how your relationship is organised and how you talk to each other.
Resolutions About How You Talk to Each Other
Many couples tell me their main problem is communication. When we look closer, they often talk a great deal. The difficulty is in how they talk, particularly when one of them is hurt, tired or worried. Communication resolutions can feel vague, so it helps to make them specific enough that you would both notice whether they happened.
Start difficult conversations gently. The Gottmans call this a gentle start up. Begin with how you feel and what you need, not with what your partner has done wrong. "I have been feeling lonely in the evenings and I would like more time with you" lands very differently from "You are always on your phone".
Listen until your partner feels heard. Before you reply, say back what you understood and ask whether you got it right. If listening is a sore point between you, why doesn't my partner listen to me looks at what gets in the way.
Agree how to pause an argument. Choose a word or signal that either of you can use when things are getting too heated. Agree how long the break will be and when you will come back to it. The free time out plan in the Resources section helps you settle this while you are both calm, and how to stop arguing with your partner has more.
Repair sooner. After a fight, aim to reconnect within a day, even if the issue is not settled. A step by step approach is set out in repair after a fight.
Welcome the good news. When your partner shares something good, respond with interest and questions. In four studies on sharing positive events, people who saw their partner as responding with active enthusiasm gained more from sharing, and relationships where this typically happened were linked to higher intimacy and satisfaction (Gable and colleagues, 2004).
Say thank you for the ordinary things. Noticing what your partner does, and saying so, is one of the simplest habits to build. The article on gratitude looks at why it matters.
Each of these is something you move towards. None of them asks you to stop being who you are, and each is small enough to try this week.
Turning a Resolution Into Something You Do
A resolution that stays as a hope tends to fade by February. One that becomes part of your week has a much better chance. The difference is in the detail, and in what you do when a week goes wrong.
Word it as something you will do
Turn "stop arguing about chores" into "sit down on Sunday evening and plan the week's jobs together". Turn "stop being distant" into "eat dinner together without phones on weeknights". Research supports this. A study in Sweden followed 1,066 Swedish speaking adults from the general public through a year of New Year resolutions. Resolutions framed as moving towards something were kept more often than resolutions framed as avoiding or stopping something, 58.9% compared with 47.1% among those who replied at one year (Oscarsson and colleagues, 2020). Most of the resolutions in that study were about health, and success was self reported, so it is a guide and not a rule.
Relationship research points the same way. In studies of dating couples, people whose goals in the relationship were about bringing good things into it tended to feel more satisfied, day to day and over time, particularly when both partners held goals like these. People whose goals were mainly about avoiding bad outcomes tended to become less satisfied over time, and people were especially dissatisfied when their partner had strong avoidance goals (Impett and colleagues, 2010). "We will stop arguing" is an avoidance goal. "We will make time to talk properly every week" is an approach goal.
Make it specific and tie it to a moment
Decide when and where it will happen. In one study, 96 volunteers repeated a new behaviour daily in the same setting, such as after breakfast. For the people whose results could be modelled, it took between 18 and 254 days for the behaviour to become as automatic as it was going to get. Missing a single day did not make a meaningful difference to that process (Lally and colleagues, 2010). The behaviours were everyday eating, drinking and exercise habits, so the lesson is about habits in general. Tie your resolution to a regular moment, expect it to take months and not weeks, and do not give up because you missed a week.
Make it shared where you can
Decide on the resolution together instead of announcing it to your partner. A resolution that one person sets for the couple can feel like a criticism. In the Swedish study, the group that did best had been asked to name a specific person to support them through the year, alongside regular check ins and one email of advice. In a relationship, that person can be your partner, and you can be theirs.
Plan for the slips
Agree now what you will do when the resolution lapses, because it will. Perhaps you notice at your weekly check in and start again the following week. A lapse tells you what got in the way. It does not tell you that you have failed.
Review it after a month
At the end of January, sit down together and ask how it went. Keep what worked, change what did not and decide whether to add something new.
If You Are Making a Resolution on Your Own
Not everyone has a partner who wants to make resolutions together. You may be the one who notices the distance, or the one who wants things to change while your partner seems content. That can feel lonely, and it can be tempting to resolve to change your partner. It is more useful to focus on your side of the pattern, since that is the part you can change.
A resolution of your own might be to say what you need more clearly, to pause before reacting when an old argument starts or to make one small bid for connection each day. When one person changes how they respond, the pattern between you often begins to shift too. If what you need to say is difficult, the free guide on telling someone something difficult in the Resources section may help you prepare.
It is also fine to resolve to get some support for yourself. Individual therapy can help you understand your own part in the relationship and what you want from it, whatever your partner decides to do.
When the Resolution Is a Big Decision
Some couples do need to face a big question this year, and smaller changes will not make it go away. If that is you, the aim is not to avoid the decision. It is to give it a process, so that it does not hang over every conversation or get rushed into a single tense evening in January.
One approach is to agree a time to talk about the big question, separate from the rest of your week, and to keep the smaller resolutions going alongside it. Couples who can talk well about small things usually find it easier to talk about big ones. If the question is whether to stay together, should we stay together or break up and how to know when a relationship is over may help. If one of you is thinking about opening the relationship, how to talk to your partner about opening up looks at how to raise it.
If you would like focused time on one decision, without committing to weekly sessions, a single prepared session is another option.
How Therapy Can Help You Make Changes That Last
Sometimes a resolution keeps slipping because something underneath it has not been named. The same argument returns, one of you withdraws, or a conversation about the weekly check in turns into a conversation about everything that has gone wrong. That is a sign that the pattern between you needs more than willpower, and it is common.
In couples therapy we can look at the cycle you get caught in and at what each of you needs from the other. We can also work out which small changes would make the most difference for the two of you. Often the work starts with the things in this article, such as how you talk, how you repair and how your life together is organised. Many couples find that once those feel steadier, the bigger questions become easier to face. If you are wondering about timing, when to go to couples therapy looks at the signs.
If January tends to bring a dip in mood or closeness, the articles on the post Christmas blues and on relationship problems in the winter months may also help.
If you would like support with changing how your relationship works this year, I offer a free 30 minute consultation, in person in London or online. It is a chance to talk about what you would like to be different and to see whether working together would help. You can book through the link below.
Looking for something to work on between sessions, or before you decide on therapy? Our Resources page brings together a mix of free and paid resources for couples and individuals. You will find free guides such as the weekly relationship check in, alongside paid workbooks on themes such as attachment, and desire and intimacy. Each one is gently paced and designed to be used at home, on your own or together.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist based in London. He works with couples and individuals on communication, conflict and the patterns that shape relationships over time. Read more about couples and relationship therapy in London.
References
Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228 to 245. <https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15301629/>
Impett, E. A., Gordon, A. M., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., Gable, S. L., & Keltner, D. (2010). Moving toward more perfect unions. Daily and long term consequences of approach and avoidance goals in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(6), 948 to 963. <https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20658838/>
Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C. H. M., Potts, H. W. W., & Wardle, J. (2010). How are habits formed. Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998 to 1009. <https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674>
Ogolsky, B. G., & Gray, C. R. (2016). Conflict, negative emotion, and reports of partners' relationship maintenance in same sex couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(2), 171 to 180. <https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26322730/>
Oscarsson, M., Carlbring, P., Andersson, G., & Rozental, A. (2020). A large scale experiment on New Year's resolutions. Approach oriented goals are more successful than avoidance oriented goals. PLOS ONE, 15(12), e0234097. <https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7725288/>
Rogge, R. D., Cobb, R. J., Lawrence, E., Johnson, M. D., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013). Is skills training necessary for the primary prevention of marital distress and dissolution? A 3 year experimental study of three interventions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(6), 949 to 961. <https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24060193/>
