By Mark Ryan, BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist
Can you change your attachment style? It is one of the questions I hear most often once people have read about anxious and avoidant patterns and recognised themselves in one. The recognition can bring relief, and it can also bring a sinking feeling, as though you have been handed a label that explains why relationships are hard and offers no way out. The research and my work with couples and individuals point to a more hopeful answer than that. Patterns that were learned in relationships can also change in relationships, though it tends to happen gradually, and it helps to know what you are working with.
Article Summary
Attachment styles are better understood as patterns along two dimensions, anxiety and avoidance, and not as fixed types of person.
Where you sit can differ from one relationship to the next, which is one reason change is possible.
Research suggests that a sense of security can be strengthened in adulthood, through relationships, therapy and repeated experiences that contradict old expectations.
An anxious pattern often shows up as pursuing, and an avoidant pattern as withdrawing. Both are forms of protection that were learned for good reasons.
When the two meet, a cycle often forms. Understanding the cycle together, with compassion, is usually the first step to changing it.
In my work, change usually begins with self awareness and then builds safety in how partners communicate.
Workbooks can help you start, and they do not replace therapy when a pattern is strong, old or tangled up with hurt.
Why So Many People Ask This Question
Attachment language has become part of everyday conversation. People describe themselves as anxious, avoidant or secure, and describe their partners and exes the same way. At its best, this gives people words for patterns they have lived with for years. At its worst, it hardens into a verdict, so that someone decides they are simply an avoidant person, or that their partner is.
Being sure of a label can be comforting, and it can also make change feel pointless. If I am avoidant, what is the use of trying to be closer? If my partner is anxious, will they always be like this? These questions deserve a serious answer, and the answer begins with what attachment styles are.
What Attachment Styles Are
Attachment describes how we look for closeness, comfort and reassurance from the people who matter most to us, and how we respond when we are not sure they will be there. I often describe them as blueprints for close relationships. It begins in early life and carries into adult relationships, where a partner often becomes the main person we turn to when we are stressed, frightened or hurt.
Researchers who measure adult attachment usually place people along two dimensions and not in fixed boxes (Stevenson et al., 2017). Attachment anxiety is about how much we worry that a partner will be unavailable or will leave. Attachment avoidance is about how uncomfortable we feel with closeness and how much we rely on ourselves. Most of us sit somewhere on both.
A study of 472 people in 236 couples, mostly young adults in monogamous relationships in one US city, looked at attachment security with a general sense of how people are in relationships and with their specific partner. People could feel more or less secure with different partners. Those who felt that their partner responded to their needs showed less attachment anxiety towards that partner, especially if they were generally insecure. It was a one time survey, so it cannot show cause, and the authors note that deeply held patterns tend to change slowly, through repeated experiences that contradict the old expectations (Rice et al., 2020).
That finding carries a lot of hope, and a note of realism. Your pattern is not a fixed trait, and it will not shift overnight.
What the Research Says About Change
Two leading attachment researchers reviewed evidence on ways a sense of security can be enhanced in adulthood. They describe laboratory experiments that boosted a sense of security for a short time, and they examine how relationship partners, psychotherapy and other settings may strengthen it (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2020). The review does not promise that any one method works for everyone. It does support the idea that security is something that can be built.
A randomised trial of emotionally focused couple therapy, which views romantic relationships as attachment bonds, followed 70 couples, with 68 analysed. They were Spanish speaking, different sex couples with mild to moderate distress, and they were assigned to therapy or a waiting list. There were some changes in secure attachment behaviours, with significant effects only in women's views of their partners, and increases in secure behaviours predicted better relationship adjustment. The sample was small, mostly medium to high income and highly educated, and sexual orientation was not assessed (Andrade-Urbina et al., 2026).
Taken together, the picture is cautiously encouraging. Change is possible, it tends to come through relationships and repeated experience, and the evidence is still developing. It is not a story about a quick fix.
The Anxious Pattern and What Helps
In my work, the anxious pattern tends to show up as moving towards a partner when things feel uncertain. People pursue, ask, check in and try to put things right. They often find it very uncomfortable when a partner needs space in a difficult moment, and the quiet can feel like punishment or rejection. Many see themselves as the more emotionally aware partner, and can see the other person's withdrawal as something done to them, even as a weapon.
Many people with this pattern also step into a caretaking role, tuning in to everyone's feelings, and feel unseen themselves. When the care is not returned, blame can follow. Under all of it there is usually a blueprint that was learned early, that staying close and attuned keeps connection safe, and that your own calm depends on other people being calm. At times this can tip into what is often called codependence, where it becomes hard to tell whose feelings belong to whom.
What helps starts with seeing the pattern as an attempt to stay safe and not as neediness. From there, much of the work is about building your own regulation and self support, so that your steadiness does not depend on your partner's mood. It means noticing your own patterns, making requests and not tests, and recognising that you are separate from your partner and not responsible for how they feel. It also means learning to see time apart as an opportunity to invest in yourself, and not as a verdict on the relationship. If you want to read more, anxious attachment in relationships looks at this pattern in depth, and blame in relationships explores what happens when blame takes over.
To support individuals in deepening their understanding of their attachment patterns, I’ve created the anxious attachment workbook. It’s for people who recognise themselves in the pursuing, caretaking or reassurance seeking pattern. It helps you understand where the pattern comes from, map your own cycle, build a self support menu and plan how to pause and repair.
Research suggests that a sense of security can be strengthened in adulthood, through relationships, therapy and repeated experiences that contradict old expectations.
The Avoidant Pattern and What Helps
The avoidant pattern is often misunderstood. In my work, people with this pattern tend to go quiet, change the subject or leave when a conversation becomes emotional. They are often evasive when asked why they withdraw, and in most cases that is not a refusal. They do not know why. The pull to step back happens faster than a thought. Many have been told for years that they are cold or uncaring, which can feel like a verdict on who they are.
Usually there is a history behind it. Often the person was not helped to learn how to regulate big feelings, or did not have anyone to settle alongside. Some were shamed or discouraged from being emotional, and others reached out for support and did not receive it. Withdrawal, in that light, is a form of self protection.
A review of 37 studies with 2,006 adults looked at how attachment relates to emotion regulation, using objective measures such as autonomic nervous system activity, brain activity, stress biochemistry and nonverbal behaviour. People with a dismissing pattern tended to use an emotionally deactivating strategy, which in plain terms means playing feelings down. On physiological, biochemical and nonverbal measures, though, signs of emotional stress were still present (Eilert & Buchheim, 2023). Going quiet on the outside does not always mean feeling nothing on the inside.
What helps starts with building self awareness. That means noticing what happens in the body, finding words for feelings, and learning to settle yourself and, over time, to settle with another person. Then comes building safety in communication, for example saying that you need a break and when you will be back, and saying a little more than you usually do. Avoidant attachment in relationships and conflict avoidance in relationships go into this further.
I’ve created an avoidant attachment workbook to help you work through this and get a better understanding of your patterns and how they show up in relationships. It’s for people who recognise the pull to go quiet, shut down or handle things alone. It focuses on building self awareness, finding words for feelings, settling yourself and building safety in how you communicate.
When Two Patterns Meet
When someone with an anxious pattern is with someone with an avoidant pattern, a cycle often forms. One partner reaches for connection and the other feels pressure and steps back. Each response makes the other more likely. Partners often swap parts depending on the topic, and many people recognise both roles in themselves.
A study of 175 couples in Spain, aged 18 to 72, looked at avoidance and conflict. Higher attachment avoidance was more strongly linked to withdrawing than to demanding, and to lower relationship satisfaction for both partners, more so for the person higher in avoidance. The pairing of one partner withdrawing while the other demanded or became aggressive was linked to lower satisfaction for both. All of the couples were different sex and the data were self reported at one point in time, so it shows a pattern of links and not what causes what (Bretaña et al., 2021).
In my work, what helps most is understanding the cycle together, and learning to talk about it with compassion, so that the cycle becomes the problem and neither partner is. From there we explore each person's role and how they understand it, including the blueprint behind it. Hearing the inner experience and history of your partner can be very powerful. It also becomes clear that the two of you are, without meaning to, keeping the dynamic in place, because the cycle supports each person's blueprint. The pursuer's fear is confirmed by the distance, and the withdrawer's belief that closeness means pressure is confirmed by the pursuit.
Then comes the question of where you want the dynamic to go. Couples often find that it helps to commit to their own self work, to agree the structure and timeframes for breaks, and to build a shared vision for how conflict will feel in the future. If you want to read more about the pattern from the couple's side, the anxious avoidant trap and when one partner withdraws are good places to continue.
I’ve created a workbook for couples to work through this together. It’s for partners who want to look at their cycle side by side. It includes a structured dialogue for hearing each other, exercises on each person's role, a shared vision for conflict and a break agreement.
What Workbooks Can and Cannot Do
A workbook can give you language, structure and a place to start noticing your own pattern. It can help you and your partner talk about something that has been hard to talk about. It cannot notice what you are missing, slow a conversation down as it happens or hold two people through a rupture. Those are things a therapist can offer.
If your pattern is strong, old or exhausting, or if the same cycle keeps returning despite your efforts, support alongside a workbook can make the work easier. If you or your partner feel afraid of the other, or there is controlling behaviour, a couples workbook is not the right tool, and a specialist service is the right place to begin.
When This Is About Safety
If you are afraid of your partner, or you are being controlled, threatened or hurt, please speak to a specialist service first. In immediate danger, call 999. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is on 0808 2000 247, free and open 24 hours a day. Men's Advice Line is on 0808 8010327, Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm. Galop supports LGBTQ+ people on 0800 999 5428, Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm, and until 8pm on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Joint work on attachment patterns is not suitable where there is abuse or coercive control.
How Therapy Can Help
In therapy, I look at attachment patterns with individuals and couples. For individuals, we explore where the pattern came from, how it shows up now, and how to build regulation and security. For couples, I use Imago Relationship Therapy alongside attachment based, Gottman and systemic approaches, with psychoeducation about blueprints and patterns. We slow conversations down so that each of you can be heard, and so that each partner can understand the other's inner experience and history, without it becoming a fight.
Change takes time, and it is not a sign that something is wrong with you if you need support to make it. My practice is fully affirming of LGBTQ+ people. I also work with ethically non monogamous and polyamorous relationships, and I do not assume that any particular structure is the goal.
If you are wondering whether therapy could help, I offer a free 30 minute consultation, in person in London or online. You can ask anything, and there is no obligation to continue.
About the Author
Mark Ryan is a BACP Accredited Psychotherapist and NCPS Accredited Relationship Therapist, and the founder of Rise and Grow Therapy, a private practice offering couples and relationship therapy across Kensington, Pimlico, and Angel, Islington in London, as well as online consultations. His approach draws first on Imago Relationship Therapy, alongside integrative relational, attachment based, Gottman, and systemic approaches. Mark works with couples of all kinds, including LGBTQ+ couples and those in non traditional relationship structures such as consensual non monogamy, as well as with individuals working through relational issues.
References
Andrade-Urbina, D., Rodríguez-González, M., Cueli-Naranjo, M. A., Osorio, A., & Sandberg, J. G. (2026). Attachment behavior change following emotionally focused couple therapy: A randomized controlled trial with Spanish speaking couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 52(4), e70173. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC13598901/
Bretaña, I., Alonso-Arbiol, I., Recio, P., & Molero, F. (2021). Avoidant attachment, withdrawal aggression conflict pattern, and relationship satisfaction: A mediational dyadic model. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 794942. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8841843/
Eilert, D. W., & Buchheim, A. (2023). Attachment related differences in emotion regulation in adults: A systematic review on attachment representations. Brain Sciences, 13(6), 884. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10296607/
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2020). Enhancing the broaden and build cycle of attachment security in adulthood. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(6), 2054. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7143531/
Rice, T. M., Kumashiro, M., & Arriaga, X. B. (2020). Mind the gap: Perceived partner responsiveness as a bridge between general and partner specific attachment security. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(19), 7178. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7578987/
Stevenson, J. C., Emerson, L. M., & Millings, A. (2017). The relationship between adult attachment orientation and mindfulness. Mindfulness, 8(6), 1438 to 1455. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5693974/
